Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   you're not drunk if you can lie on the floor without holding on.

   According to a new poll, 26 percent of unemployed adults blame George W. Bush for the high unemployment rate. The other 74 percent blame the fact that they majored in English literature.

   Has been thinking that people cheat on there wife all the time, but you never cheat on your mistress... thats just wrong

   Dear Alejandro! Please poke Lady Gaga's face with your disco stick so she can finally get what ALL her songs say and she can sing about something else... finally. Thanks :) Grace.

   I tell people that the secret ingredient in my cookies is "love," but it's actually "floor"

   "The names Pope Francis...but everyone calls me Psycho...Any of you call me Francis...and I'll kill you"

   I went to the mall today and the power went out, I was stuck on the escalator for 30 minutes.

   Dear Kim Jong Un, Mr Dennis Rodman didn't impress you? Well here let me introduce you to US Naval Seal Team 6!!

   Nothing's more embarrassing than that pantsless walk to get more toilet paper. I felt like everyone in walmart was staring at me.

   If two people in wheelchairs are having a conversation, is it considered mobile to mobile?

   The New iPhone5 is out.. It now fits up your a$$hole!

   Donald Trump and the Kardashians represent the worst in American culture, greed and self centeredness. May they just go away.

   The decline of civilization started when they stopped putting toys in boxes of cereal.

   Hillary is a super good person and would make a fantastic president not to mention a great piece of azz.... said no one EVER.

   They should make women wear red wrist bands at the club if they're on their period so the fellas will know if she's worth buying drinks for all night

   Let's change the name of the Republicans and Democrats to DUMB & DUMBER.....

   just discovered that in Wingdings 2, the letters "M" and "J" are a white glove and a black hand. Michael Jackson conspiracy theory number 1...

   Wait what do you mean Jesus loves me? Did he say something to you? OMG I'm freaking out right now tell me his exact words.

   Guys with poodles, explain yourselves.

   A pirate goes into a bar with a steering wheel hanging off his belt buckle. The bartender asks "What's up with the steering wheel?" The pirate says "Arrgh. It's drivin' me nuts."