Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   If we all threw our problems in a pile and saw everyone else's, we'd grab ours back.

   I wish I could chop off my fat with a knife, I would rather endure that than a workout!

   wants to know where in the rhyme it says Humpty Dumpty is an egg!

   I keep pictures of all of you in my wallet.

   The Deadliest Catch would be so much cooler if they'd plant a serial killer on each boat... ><(((((%>

   my wife cant wrestle but you should see her box.

   I'm hoping the office Secret Santa happens early this year so I have time to regift before Christmas. I hate storing them for a year.

   What is it when a man talks dirty to a woman? Sexual harassment. What is it when a woman talks dirty to a man? $2.50 a minute.

   I think I need to start doing pullups to get more of the ladies attention. Pull up in a Benz, Pull up in a Vette, Pull up in a Beamer....

   You may attract more flies with honey. But you also attract bears. And those things can rip you to shreds!

   “You can't stop loving or wanting to love because when its right, it's the best thing in the world. When you're in a relationship and it's good, even if nothing else in your life is right, you feel like your whole world is complete.”

   I found myself lost in deep thought today. What a strange and scary place that was

   Facebook has revealed that there are many, many people just like me and now I know why the world is screwed.

   I am my own worst enemy, and the enemy has really bad gas weaponry.

   "Liquor makes my clothes fall off."

   the big bad wolf asks little red riding hood for a bj she replies "stick with the story your supposed to eat me." thats my kinda gal

   Its so cold I'm thinking about roasting my chestnuts on an open fire!

   The only reason kids like Christmas is because they're not the ones buying all the presents.

   Wow! They have little tablets to turn your bathwater different colors. You know what I had to go through to turn mine yellow.

   No status avalible, damaged brain cells need time to be restored due to the excessive amount of holiday drinking