Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I'm hoping the office Secret Santa happens early this year so I have time to regift before Christmas. I hate storing them for a year.

   What is it when a man talks dirty to a woman? Sexual harassment. What is it when a woman talks dirty to a man? $2.50 a minute.

   I think I need to start doing pullups to get more of the ladies attention. Pull up in a Benz, Pull up in a Vette, Pull up in a Beamer....

   You may attract more flies with honey. But you also attract bears. And those things can rip you to shreds!

   “You can't stop loving or wanting to love because when its right, it's the best thing in the world. When you're in a relationship and it's good, even if nothing else in your life is right, you feel like your whole world is complete.”

   I found myself lost in deep thought today. What a strange and scary place that was

   Facebook has revealed that there are many, many people just like me and now I know why the world is screwed.

   I am my own worst enemy, and the enemy has really bad gas weaponry.

   "Liquor makes my clothes fall off."

   the big bad wolf asks little red riding hood for a bj she replies "stick with the story your supposed to eat me." thats my kinda gal

   Its so cold I'm thinking about roasting my chestnuts on an open fire!

   The only reason kids like Christmas is because they're not the ones buying all the presents.

   Wow! They have little tablets to turn your bathwater different colors. You know what I had to go through to turn mine yellow.

   No status avalible, damaged brain cells need time to be restored due to the excessive amount of holiday drinking

   thinks Arkansas is taking the game "Angry Birds" a little too far...

   If it bleeds, we can kill it.

   If cars could fly I probably still wouldnt get one. My car breaks down enough on the road

   It hasn't even been 36 hours and the "Bin Ladn set the world record for hide and seek" joke is already overused and stale. That in itself is a world record.

   received a reply from an X-Box Micro-softy telling me that the 'Red Circle of Death' is a 'Red Ring of Death'.... Well soooo sorry! But have you considered gatting a life or at the very least a sense of humor?

   Did anyone else notice the look on Haleys face when they announced Laurens name instead of hers? CLASSIC !!