Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Sorry friends......But from the advice of my lawyer, it's in my best interest not to try out Facebook's new 'Questions' feature tonight : (

   the thing I want to be said when i'm laying in the casket is " Look he moved!"

   Genius is one of the many forms of insanity

   Guys you ever look down at the urinal and think “Oh man I am huge!!” Then realize you have your reading glasses on? Me neither.

   I'm not shy, I'm holding back my awesomeness, so I don't intimidate you ;P

   I know how to spell, so why do my words make no sense when I try to verbally spell something for a friend?!

   Dear Chubby kids chasing me,this is my way of helping cure Obesity...Sincerly,the Ice Cream Truck Driver.

   I could tell you to go f yourself but I am afraid you will ask for directions.

   You are so SMART with your words , but so DUMB with your actions .

   If at fist you don't succeed, Google it, and see if someone else screwed it up the way you did.

   the earlier you start doing anything in your life, the less it affects you as you grow older...

   In Whiskey and Women… The young ones are fine, but I prefer the older ones — well aged and full-bodied.

   motocross boots...check, full face helmet...check, padded gloves and pants....check, Ginormous Big Wheel..check!

   Don't worry guys, you can't die from loneliness. You can spontaneously combust from being too horny, however.

   Having a back-up plan means your main plan sucks!

   Judging by the fact that it is never happy with it's appearance and is always making cosmetic changes no matter how many times it is told it looks fine, I can only conclude that facebook is female.

   Typically I'm not a fan of floors, but feed me plenty of Jack Daniels and I'm all about em!

   Oh you don't like me? You should tell your 10 Twitter followers. That'll show me.

   trying to figure out how a day celebrating the resurrection of our savior was twisted into a giant bunny hiding psychedelic colored eggs and a basket full of grass and chocolate.... Seriously folks, don't do drugs only a pothead could have thought that up

   I never wake up before my alarm clock goes off. Not because I'm lazy and like to sleep in, its because I don't want it feeling insignificant.