Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Halloween is just a made up holiday, created by the razor blade industry.

   Ladies, when I hit on you don't tell me that you're engaged. You're just currently booked. And bookings can be cancelled any time.

   Just wait until people figure out that Native Americans would purchase and trade African slaves for use...

   I think hurricanes with male names should be called "himicanes."

   I farted in an apple store and everyone got mad so I said: too bad they don't have windows

   If a pregnant woman is swimming, does that make her a human submarine?

   Why don't witches wear panties? Because they get a better grip on their brooms without them.

   Girlfriend asked me to come to her place for a Black Friday special. All clothes were 100% off.

   If I were any more hungry right now, Madonna would adopt me!

   In an another universe there's a mosquito taking a pic of you asleep and has just captioned it as "Diner is served" on social media.

   I noticed that the killer crocodile had an 80s dude on his shirt pocket!

   Don't worry. My bedroom cameras are for research purposes only.

   The Dentist said I need a crown. Finally someone who understands me!

   All women really want is to be treated like you treat your iPhone.

   Don't flatter yourself by thinking I'm trying to get into your pants. When It's quite obvious you appear to have difficulty getting into them yourself.

   Upside of Hell you won't have any trouble finding a lawyer or priest.

   Just say Donald Trump's 2015 tax return. He made $38,000 in salary and extra $2 billion in pre-taxed "tips".

   Grandma told me good girls always eat a banana with a knife and folk

   The Pentagon now allows Transgenders to serve in the military and get free sex changes ..... Heck .... Apparently you really can be All you can be!

   72 Virgins ? I'd be happy with just one right now :)