Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I spent a year once in a two week lockdown to flatten the curve...

   Of course skinny jeans are canceled, after a year of quarantine no one fits in them anymore

   Playboy has asked me to stop sending them my nudes

   Today I photographed two bees having sex and I am not sure it is appropriate to post so you’ll have to imagine it.

   Spring is my favorite time of year. Everything looks like a Summer's Eve commercial.

   Eighty percent of Marriage is telling the other person they snore and them saying they don't.

   My girlfriend left me because I'm insecure. Oh wait, she's back. I guess she just went to the grocery store.

   Once I found there was no popcorn in popcorn chicken there was no reason to try pot roast.

   Just to be clear, since some people are so dense to understand this, we don't hate cops, we only hate the corrupted ones.

   I never understood why the Lions and Cowboys play on Thanksgiving. Shouldn't the Patriots play the Redskins?

   I called the pharmacist and asked him if acetylsalicylic acid was the best remedy for a headache. He says, "You mean aspirin?" I go, “Yeah, that’s it, I can never remember that word."

   No, I didn't gain weight over the holidays....I'm just retaining Christmas cookies, that's all....

   What do you call a wolf that has everything figured out? Aware Wolf.

   the greatest four words any one could ever say to a woman "have you lost weight?"

   During my prostate exam I asked the doctor, "where should I put my pants"? "Over there by mine", was not the answer I was expecting.

   I’m so hungry, I could eat a buttered monkey

   some people write LOCKDOWN cuz they can't spell KWARANTEEN!!

   Don't kid your self would be a good name for a comdom.

   BABY GOT BACKYARD Sir-Mix-A-Lot, licensed realtor

   If I were a rat, I wouldn't give my ass either.