Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Girlfriend asked me to come to her place for a Black Friday special. All clothes were 100% off.

   If I were any more hungry right now, Madonna would adopt me!

   In an another universe there's a mosquito taking a pic of you asleep and has just captioned it as "Diner is served" on social media.

   I noticed that the killer crocodile had an 80s dude on his shirt pocket!

   Don't worry. My bedroom cameras are for research purposes only.

   The Dentist said I need a crown. Finally someone who understands me!

   All women really want is to be treated like you treat your iPhone.

   Don't flatter yourself by thinking I'm trying to get into your pants. When It's quite obvious you appear to have difficulty getting into them yourself.

   Upside of Hell you won't have any trouble finding a lawyer or priest.

   Just say Donald Trump's 2015 tax return. He made $38,000 in salary and extra $2 billion in pre-taxed "tips".

   Grandma told me good girls always eat a banana with a knife and folk

   The Pentagon now allows Transgenders to serve in the military and get free sex changes ..... Heck .... Apparently you really can be All you can be!

   72 Virgins ? I'd be happy with just one right now :)

   .... Yup ... First Rule of "Church Club" is ...... Save ALL of your yawning until everyone is singing so it looks like you're doing your part.

   Back in my day we had Presidential Candidates that acually believed in the Constitution. Nowadays they can't even spell the freakin' word.

   Sorry kids .... Bernie and Hillary are not really Pokemon Go characters

   BREAKING: Chris Christie spotted working valet at the RNC.

   "I can see Wikileaks from my house." -Sarah Palin

   Movie idea: "Suicide Squad 2". They could just film the reaction of people watching part 1.

   You know you're a dude when at least once you've been in the shower and used your washcloth to clean your shower tiles.