Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I'm too bad to be an angel and too good to be a devil.

   Well sir, I doubt everyone will be so upset my desk is "infested" with caterpillars once the office is "infested" with beautiful butterflies!!

   I'll bet Anthony Weiner's babysitter's mom is pretty freaking creeped out right now.

   Not sure which has gone more viral on facebook. Pics of cats, or cups of cappuccino with hearts drawn in the foam.

   Funerals are very expensive these days. Think of it as the high cost of leaving.

   I don't step on people's toes, I trip and fall.

   Women are 30% human and 70% emotions.

   I put little notes in my kids' lunch bags so their friends will mock them ruthlessly.

   i used to think meatballs were cow testicals when I was little

   I remember when I was a kid and dishwear sets from China used to be very expensive

   The mullet is just a helmet for domestic violence.

   ask your doctor if getting off your ass is right for you

   Can you add sexual favors to an Amazon wish list?

   I should at some point in my life learn to cook for one..I only know how to cook for ten or more..spaghetti anyone?

   Obviously there's a hole in this wine glass.

   Facebook is where I choose my victims, twitter is where I meet my accomplices.

   Most relationships can survive a lot, but not shopping together for a new couch.

   turkey bacon is as worthless as soft core porn...

   There would be peace throughout the world if they gave away free chocolate with every tampon purchase.

   When a woman says "I have my reasons". What she really means is "I don't need a reason I'm a woman".