Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   If this weekend were any shorter it would be called a Kim Kardashian marriage.

   The couch just proposed to my buttocks.

   About 73% of the time, I just make up percentages

   Taking a Klondike Bar and a condom to the local beauty pagent... I'm eagerly waiting.

   It's a thankless job, but apparently I've got a lot of Karma to burn off.

   I put little notes in my kids' lunch bags so their friends will mock them ruthlessly.

   i used to think meatballs were cow testicals when I was little

   I remember when I was a kid and dishwear sets from China used to be very expensive

   The mullet is just a helmet for domestic violence.

   ask your doctor if getting off your ass is right for you

   Can you add sexual favors to an Amazon wish list?

   I should at some point in my life learn to cook for one..I only know how to cook for ten or more..spaghetti anyone?

   Obviously there's a hole in this wine glass.

   Facebook is where I choose my victims, twitter is where I meet my accomplices.

   Most relationships can survive a lot, but not shopping together for a new couch.

   turkey bacon is as worthless as soft core porn...

   Note to Ladies; Relationships don't turn a$$holes into princes

   Eight minutes to microwave my lasagna?? I don't want to eat it tomorrow...

   All I know is that Facebook causes a pile of laundry.

   Before you judge me.......nmake sure you're perfect!