Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Props to Rahm Emanuel for doing the Polar Plunge.....now it's time for him to do the Pothole Plunge

   "Do you live with your parents too?" - Not the best pickup line.

   wow I love how your face is 5 shades darker than your neck

   Bacon would never leave you at the altar.

   Loneliness is singing both parts of a duet by yourself.

   Love can be such a beautiful torture...

   I know many Idiot Savants, just not with the Savant part.

   Living life with the safety off.

   Behind every husband is a wife, saying "You're gonna wear that?", "Did you do those things yet?", "Are we lost?", "Are you listening to me?"

   I like my family gatherings like I like my steak. Rare

   "I'll drink to that." - Me, to pretty much everything.

   My typos only add seasoning to my thoughts.

   Here's a list of helpful tips for meeting a great girl: 1. Don't be me.

   I party until the vodka tells me she loves me.

   Every day is only a beer away from being a good one

   I'm making a list of all the things I'm throwing away before the new year including people.

   Boss: Why are you drinking wine at your desk? Me: Holiday party! Boss: What holiday party? Me: My point exactly you cheap old fart.

   The stores have done such a great job with their displays and merchandise..cant wait to see the kids faces tomorrow when they find their easter baskets, shamrocks and valentines under the tree.

   I watch horror movies to make sure I still have feelings.

   As long as we don't let our feelings get in the way, this could be the start of something beautiful.