Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   If she hesitates when you ask her to 'hide this in your panties' then she's not the one.

   Props to Rahm Emanuel for doing the Polar Plunge.....now it's time for him to do the Pothole Plunge

   "Do you live with your parents too?" - Not the best pickup line.

   wow I love how your face is 5 shades darker than your neck

   Bacon would never leave you at the altar.

   Loneliness is singing both parts of a duet by yourself.

   Love can be such a beautiful torture...

   I know many Idiot Savants, just not with the Savant part.

   Living life with the safety off.

   Behind every husband is a wife, saying "You're gonna wear that?", "Did you do those things yet?", "Are we lost?", "Are you listening to me?"

   I like my family gatherings like I like my steak. Rare

   "I'll drink to that." - Me, to pretty much everything.

   My typos only add seasoning to my thoughts.

   Here's a list of helpful tips for meeting a great girl: 1. Don't be me.

   I party until the vodka tells me she loves me.

   Every day is only a beer away from being a good one

   I'm making a list of all the things I'm throwing away before the new year including people.

   Boss: Why are you drinking wine at your desk? Me: Holiday party! Boss: What holiday party? Me: My point exactly you cheap old fart.

   The stores have done such a great job with their displays and merchandise..cant wait to see the kids faces tomorrow when they find their easter baskets, shamrocks and valentines under the tree.

   I watch horror movies to make sure I still have feelings.