Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Props to Rahm Emanuel for doing the Polar Plunge.....now it's time for him to do the Pothole Plunge

   "Do you live with your parents too?" - Not the best pickup line.

   wow I love how your face is 5 shades darker than your neck

   Bacon would never leave you at the altar.

   Loneliness is singing both parts of a duet by yourself.

   Love can be such a beautiful torture...

   I know many Idiot Savants, just not with the Savant part.

   Living life with the safety off.

   Behind every husband is a wife, saying "You're gonna wear that?", "Did you do those things yet?", "Are we lost?", "Are you listening to me?"

   I like my family gatherings like I like my steak. Rare

   "I'll drink to that." - Me, to pretty much everything.

   My typos only add seasoning to my thoughts.

   Here's a list of helpful tips for meeting a great girl: 1. Don't be me.

   I party until the vodka tells me she loves me.

   There would be peace throughout the world if they gave away free chocolate with every tampon purchase.

   When a woman says "I have my reasons". What she really means is "I don't need a reason I'm a woman".

   I quit my job with the Dept of Corrections. That place was like a prison...

   1 cat = 10 years of being single. Now take that and multiply it by the amount of cats you have.

   I like reserving tables at restaurants using unique names so I can hear the hostess announce, "Optimus Prime? Your table for 2 is ready!"

   Opposites attract. Then they get divorced.