Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Since when does CBS care about facts? Aren't these the same people who on e tried to prove a story with "computer printed" documents, from the "1960ies."

   When in doubt, take a nap.

   "I'll have the Anti-sleeping Prescription" ..."Sir, those are kids" ..."Gimme two"

   Before we announce the winner of the Best Bomb Defuser award,,, let's pause for a moment to remember the runner-ups

   My family could never afford that fancy Burts Bees cleansing comfort lotion, no sir,,, we made do with Herberts Hornets lacerating pain venom

   Superbowl: Rock Out With Your Guac Out!!!

   I don't need to drink to be a dork, I do it very well sober.

   Instead of celebrating Valentine's Day this year my wife and I will be celebrating... "Discount chocolate ovedose Monday....."

   Do you think zombies have nightmares about necrophiliacs?

   What do a gynecologist and a pizza boy have in common? They can smell it, but they can't eat it.

   "I watched the Grammys this week just to see Pitbull perform." --Said no one ever

   I think my girlfriend might have a problem, I asked her to toast some bread for me. She said, "Here's to bread, may it always be in our stomachs" as she swigged another mouthful of wine.

   An UPS truck is like the adult version of an ice cream truck.

   What if Samuel L. Jackson voiced a GPS? "Make a right turn at the next light, Motherf**ker!"

   My kid sent me a text asking to buy him some decaf, certified organic coffee... I wished him good luck in life.. I'll miss him.

   If I ever become senile,, I just want to be as oblivious as people who respond seriously to humorous rhetorical questions on FB.

   Can someone please post a picture of your breakfast for me.. to encourage me to get to make my own. . .

   My doctor told me to start killing people....well not exactly in those words. He said I need to reduce stress in my life.

   Sometimes a Reuben at Arby's is how you celebrate St Patrick's Day.

   Corporate Rulemaking: "From now on, you will work with one hand tied behind your back. Our research shows this will reduce hand injuries by 1/2. Expected production rates will remain the same."