Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   How do you recognize mature women?! They wear more reasonable shoes. :)

   Excuse me... Tell me more about this mythical corner, around which fudge is made.

   If a chick ask what kind of cologne you got on you gotta lie & tell her Axe body spray cause she most likely gonna buy it for her boyfriend.

   Sometimes the smartest thing you can do is play dumb.

   The # of selfies someone takes at the gym is indirectly proportionate to the # of times they go...

   I have a non-profit business. It's not a charity, I'm just really bad with finances.

   Since when does CBS care about facts? Aren't these the same people who on e tried to prove a story with "computer printed" documents, from the "1960ies."

   When in doubt, take a nap.

   "I'll have the Anti-sleeping Prescription" ..."Sir, those are kids" ..."Gimme two"

   Before we announce the winner of the Best Bomb Defuser award,,, let's pause for a moment to remember the runner-ups

   My family could never afford that fancy Burts Bees cleansing comfort lotion, no sir,,, we made do with Herberts Hornets lacerating pain venom

   Superbowl: Rock Out With Your Guac Out!!!

   I don't need to drink to be a dork, I do it very well sober.

   Instead of celebrating Valentine's Day this year my wife and I will be celebrating... "Discount chocolate ovedose Monday....."

   Do you think zombies have nightmares about necrophiliacs?

   What do a gynecologist and a pizza boy have in common? They can smell it, but they can't eat it.

   "I watched the Grammys this week just to see Pitbull perform." --Said no one ever

   I think my girlfriend might have a problem, I asked her to toast some bread for me. She said, "Here's to bread, may it always be in our stomachs" as she swigged another mouthful of wine.

   An UPS truck is like the adult version of an ice cream truck.

   What if Samuel L. Jackson voiced a GPS? "Make a right turn at the next light, Motherf**ker!"