Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   My kid asks me why the clock says 4:30. Ummm, because it's 4:30. So dumb, I don't care if you're five.

   ‎"I didn't choose the thug life, the thug life chose me." Mother Teresa

   This is not the status message that you are looking for. Move along.

   wondering why is there someone in the fitting room at Macy's shouting "we're all out of toilet paper!!"

   WOW! THATS A LOW PRICE!

   Sex is like Spades...If you don't have a good partner, you have to have a good hand.

   wondering since Ben & Jerrys came out with Hubby Hubby ice cream for gays, when they gonna make Carpet Munch Crunch ice cream for all the hot lesbians?

   I bet the person who started booty slappin in football was gay

   If a Police Officer says, Anything you say will be taken down & used as evidence... Your answer should always be, Please don't hit me again officer...

   How did Jennifer Lopez become a spokesperson for Fiat? Unless she's there to compare which trunk has more junk, she should go back to singing (poorly).

   Treat her like a lady and she'll show you her inner slut.

   Santa, this Christmas all I want is a fat bank account and a slim body. Lets not mix the two up like last year, ok?

   Whats the point of making cars really really fast if there is a speed limit? like, REALLY, WHATS THE POINT?!?!?!

   Looks like Casey Anthony will be available to baby sit my children tonight afterwards!!

   Question: If men get "c*ck-blocked" do women get "beaver-dammed"?

   Does selling weed qualify as a joint income?

   My cat is always licking the carpet in my house. I think she's a lesbian.

   POF should change its name to POS

   Yesterday in California a couple walking their dog found $10 million worth of rare coins buried in the ground. It's the biggest stash of coins found since Oprah had her couch cushions cleaned.

   Please stop calling them "zombies." They are "living impaired."