Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Fingers crossed that this is the end of that terrible show

   Affordable Care Act "aka Obamacare"...........Affordable but ONLY if you make 10k + a month!!

   annoyed that he can't play UNO. The Mexican's keep stealing my green cards.

   I'm not racist.. I have a colored TV......

   I'm opening up a tattoo shop just for blind people. I wont really tattoo them. I'll just stab'em with a needle taped to a vibrator for an hour

   The weather is 88 and hazy .. kind of like Joe Biden

   Biden figures people won't be complaining about rising gas prices or empty store shelves if they're high on crack. . .

   pee-ing so hard a little bit of laugh came out

   My kid asks me why the clock says 4:30. Ummm, because it's 4:30. So dumb, I don't care if you're five.

   ‎"I didn't choose the thug life, the thug life chose me." Mother Teresa

   This is not the status message that you are looking for. Move along.

   wondering why is there someone in the fitting room at Macy's shouting "we're all out of toilet paper!!"

   WOW! THATS A LOW PRICE!

   Sex is like Spades...If you don't have a good partner, you have to have a good hand.

   wondering since Ben & Jerrys came out with Hubby Hubby ice cream for gays, when they gonna make Carpet Munch Crunch ice cream for all the hot lesbians?

   I bet the person who started booty slappin in football was gay

   If a Police Officer says, Anything you say will be taken down & used as evidence... Your answer should always be, Please don't hit me again officer...

   How did Jennifer Lopez become a spokesperson for Fiat? Unless she's there to compare which trunk has more junk, she should go back to singing (poorly).

   Treat her like a lady and she'll show you her inner slut.

   Santa, this Christmas all I want is a fat bank account and a slim body. Lets not mix the two up like last year, ok?