Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Attention girls who make the Duck Face- THOSE are not the lips guys are interested in seeing all swollen.

   I refuse to eat food I drop on the ground, but if I drop a cigarette? Yep, it's getting smoked

   Thank god I don't have 3D glasses Celine Dion's nose is scary enough without them!

   I'm not saying my girlfriend is thick, but we had a gas leak and she put a bucket under it.....

   "Hi, Welcome to Abercrombie. Our sizes are; Small, X Small, Anorexic, Bulemic, and Malnourished.

   watching the neighborhood kids play hide and seek. Now I know whose mom is on drugs. I'm guessing its the mother of the kid yelling "Olly Olly Oxycontin!"

   if I die and Fb still exists, I grant permission to change my status to: "X is chillin with Jesus"

   still HOT..it just comes in flashes now

   bringing sexy back... to the store for a refund!

   wish I had a time machine to go back to 1968 so I could show all the pretty ladies what '69 is going to be like.

   The good thing about dating Black girls is not having to meet their fathers

   Hillary: "Donald you need to release your taxes" Donald: "I emailed them to you!"

   If abortion is Murder, does that make condoms kidnapping?

   Looks like someone lost his girlfriend to a Mexican.

   walking through the intensive care unit dressed as the grim reaper

   Redneck Word Of The Day-OBAMA: I just wiped my butt OBAMA self

   God made men. But sandwiches weren't going to make themselves. So God made women.

   meanwhile in Justin Biebers anal cavity. ~•　　　　~•　　　　　　　　~•　　　　　　　~•　　　　~†¢ã€€ã€€ã€€~•　　　　　　~•　　　　~•　　　　　　　　~• 　　　　　　　　　　　　　　ã

   Just figured out how to stop the oil spill! Put a wedding ring on it and it will never put out again.

   Joe Biden looks like he smells like pee.