Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Ask any Biden voter exactly why they're voting for him, on what merits, and ask them do it without bringing up Donald Trump. They can't

   I saw my neighbour jogging at 1am this morning and said "It's a bit late for you Kathy, isn't it ?". She said "I couldn't sleep". I said "That's not what I meant, you fat b*tch"....

   LeBron as good as Jordan?! Ha! Call me when LeBron saves the Looney Tunes from an alien race.

   Do you think I'm AWESOME? (a) Yes (b) a (c) b

   what you call 10 commandments, I call common sense.

   I'm old enough to remember when Obama was committed to dismantling #Iran's nuclear program.

   Knock knock." ..."Who's there?" " ..."Doorbell repair guy"

   you can't say the following words without sounding like an Irishman swearing: WHALE, OIL, BEEF, HOOKED.

   Honey, you spread rumors almost just as Much as you spread your legs.

   Do you work for UPS? I could have sworn I saw you checking out my package....

   Grandmother died and in the will she left me the whole farm!! only later did I realized it was on Facebook. Well played Grandmother, well played.

   I feel sorry for kids that behave in public because you know they get beat at home a lot.

   Attention girls who make the Duck Face- THOSE are not the lips guys are interested in seeing all swollen.

   I refuse to eat food I drop on the ground, but if I drop a cigarette? Yep, it's getting smoked

   Thank god I don't have 3D glasses Celine Dion's nose is scary enough without them!

   I'm not saying my girlfriend is thick, but we had a gas leak and she put a bucket under it.....

   "Hi, Welcome to Abercrombie. Our sizes are; Small, X Small, Anorexic, Bulemic, and Malnourished.

   watching the neighborhood kids play hide and seek. Now I know whose mom is on drugs. I'm guessing its the mother of the kid yelling "Olly Olly Oxycontin!"

   if I die and Fb still exists, I grant permission to change my status to: "X is chillin with Jesus"

   still HOT..it just comes in flashes now