Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Got a friend request the other day from someone I didn't know. Checked out her friends list to see a connection and she had a collection of Corey's. Scary, she wanted me to become her 312th Corey friend in her Corey collection.........Makes me a little un

   Why hasn't Head and Shoulders shampoo come out with a body wash called "Knees and Toes"?

   The guy who leaked the Jennifer Lawrence pictures may be the first man to ever die of too many hi fives

   I don't think I could ever stab someone... I mean lets be honest. I can barely get the straw through a Capri Sun

   I call my condoms Peyton Manning. Cause they usually just stay in the pocket.

   Rodney King said, "Can we all get along? The answer is no because too many people make a very good living making sure we don't....right, Reverend Al?

   Humpty Dumpty sat on a bed Little Bo Pep was giving him head as soon as he came she started to weap she knew by the taste he was f**king her sheep

   I got a dig bick. You this read wrong. You that read wrong too. And too that.

   Ask any Biden voter exactly why they're voting for him, on what merits, and ask them do it without bringing up Donald Trump. They can't

   I saw my neighbour jogging at 1am this morning and said "It's a bit late for you Kathy, isn't it ?". She said "I couldn't sleep". I said "That's not what I meant, you fat b*tch"....

   LeBron as good as Jordan?! Ha! Call me when LeBron saves the Looney Tunes from an alien race.

   Do you think I'm AWESOME? (a) Yes (b) a (c) b

   what you call 10 commandments, I call common sense.

   I'm old enough to remember when Obama was committed to dismantling #Iran's nuclear program.

   Knock knock." ..."Who's there?" " ..."Doorbell repair guy"

   you can't say the following words without sounding like an Irishman swearing: WHALE, OIL, BEEF, HOOKED.

   Honey, you spread rumors almost just as Much as you spread your legs.

   Do you work for UPS? I could have sworn I saw you checking out my package....

   Grandmother died and in the will she left me the whole farm!! only later did I realized it was on Facebook. Well played Grandmother, well played.

   I feel sorry for kids that behave in public because you know they get beat at home a lot.