Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   wonders.....have you ever had one of those days that all you can do is smile, sing, dance and and yell from from the mountain tops how good life is??? Well, today certainly wasn't one of those days for me....

   WARNING! As of Friday, Facebook will automatically start dragging the Earth into the Sun. To change this option, go to Settings > Planetary Settings > Trajectory, then UNCLICK the box that says "Apocalypse." Facebook kept this one quiet. Copy and pa

   still looking for his future mother-in-law with only one very nice and sexy daugther

   knows there are things money can't buy. But Ticketmaster is working on ways to charge you for them.

   Why do they call it common sense if it's so rare?

   if it's not worth breaking the BYU honor code then it's not worth doing

   The awkward moment when Jimmy Kimmel realizes he's kissed a crack head...

   There's a distinct difference between power walking for fitness and power walking because you have to use the bathroom.

   One of the hardest things in life to learn, is which bridge to cross and which to burn.!!!

   found the hidden toilet paper in the bathroom. Saved my ass!

   i can take any amount of pain ecxept for stubbing my toe thats worse then chinese torture.

   I predict that if, by 21 December 2012, the world doesn't end, I'll still have to buy christmas gifts..

   Never have a tea party with your daughter if you know the only water she can reach is the toilet.

   Thanks Facebook for reporting my friends non-important events in real time :( Pretty certain that is the definition of tattling!

   The uneasy Sunday church moment when you know that same chick in the choir got rained on with dollars last night at the strip club.

   This guy I know has worse breath than my dog, and my dog can reach around and lick his own ass

   Life's a trip.....tie your shoes

   in the future wedding vows will include "Do you take this person as your married to status link on Facebook?"

   thinks that instead of reposting statuses it would be a better idea if all women with a "wonderful man" would cook him his favourite meal and dress up for his bedroom fantasies instead ;).... just saying, but the reposting thing is cool too.

   My grandad has the heart of a lion and a lifetime ban from Edinburgh zoo.