Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   tried to join a Tourette's support group but they told me to piss off.

   finally reached the Apex of Standardized Suckitude

   thinks that you should embrace your problems. And then make them somebody elses.

   There are very few personal problems that cannot be solved by a suitable application of high explosives.

   Walking through walmart filling a cart with one item from every isle then leavin it at customer service. Then I am taking carts out to fill the parking lot stalls to give the 20 employees standing around something to do.

   When I was young I thought by 2010 that we would have personal spaceships and android boyfriends that had no feelings or emotions...I was right about the android boyfriends, but would rather have a personal spaceship!!!

   all of this sub-zero whether is putting a damper on my flag pole licking

   only took steroids for health purposes.

   only going to marry a very old man with a very bad cough...

   - In my effort to be considered a "normal person", I shall now close my eyes, create fictional scenario's in my head and lay still for atleast 8 hours.

   heard a guy at Starbucks talking loudly in his cell say, "I'm going to surprise her with a Jaguar." I'll only like him if he meant the cat..

   You're Not my type is just a nicer way of saying your Ugly.

   currently unavailable. Please hang up and try again.

   stupid campaign commercials. Because of them, Everytime before I "Like" someone else's status I say to myself. My name is 'X' and I approve this message

   My girlfriend is currently trying to understand my desire to unicycle. She accepted my ukulele playing, but this is apparently too far!

   I can hear the Pink Panther theme song playing inside my head. I may or may not be getting into all kinds of mischief this afternoon.

   Just found out that my google setting was set to family friendly and turned it off, it's a hole new world>:)

   I haven't spoken to my wife in years. I didn't want to interrupt her.

   Mom: I've been here four hours and you haven't put your phone down once. How do you always miss my calls?

   Mother-in-law: A woman who destroys her son-in-laws peace of mind by giving him a piece of hers.