Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   really need to stop phoning my mobile to find out where I've put it then thinking “Oooh, missed call!” when I find it. What a dumbass

   I saw a baby wearing a onesie that said..."I'm what happened in Vegas".

   I feel like grabbing a random kid by the shoulders and screaming Hello "I'm you from the future!"

   friends and condoms have something in common. . . they both protect you when things get hard.

   I am a leader not a follower so therefore I don't twitter.

   So, from the Terminator to the Governator to the Sperminator?!?

   Taking your little Kids on a vacation with you to Vegas, is the same as taking a blind man to look at christman lights .. Just sayin!

   wonders if I'm the only person that doesn't want to be on the Price is Right because I don't want to be seen running like a baboon down the aisles?

   wonders who will be watching Kate Gosselin's litter of mutts while she's practicing for Dancing With The Stars.

   My advice to strippers: Dont stop, get it, get it. Get that payment for your Civic.

   What's the differece between a spit and a swallow? Cab fare and a ring!

   wondering why Texas is flying it's flag all over the country of Chili?

   In a perfect world.. Watching porn would actually update your computer.

   "what happens in vegas, stays in vegas...except herpes, that sh*t will come back with you"

   dear mosquitoes, ur not welcomed here just because the ligt's on...this isn't Motel 6

   Snooki is going to give birth to a giant Nutter Butter.

   I'm still waiting on the movie 'Twilight: Lights Out' starring Blade to come out.

   A relationship should be between (^__^) & (^__^) NOT (^__^) & (^__^) + (-_(-_(-_-)_-)_-) + FACEBOOK

   Katy Perry kissed a guy that looks like a girl and apparently didn't like it.

   Harry Potter brand condoms: Protect your Slytherin from Hogwarts while you're in her chamber of secrets.