Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Kevin Ware will be signing autographs at ihop tomorrow.

   You unfriended me? Wow, you sure taught me a lesson.

   When Obama became POTUS, I had nothing. 6 years later, I still have most of it....

   If you drink enough "samples" at the liquor store, they will help you out to your car

   It's a shame if girls think Victoria's Secret models are every guys' dream. We're not in the fifth grade anymore. Go ahead and eat that last chicken wing, babygirl. You're gorgeous.

   3 billion people with a collective IQ of 9

   Very nervous to use the bathroom because I ate twenty-five sticks of gum exactly 7 years ago tonight

   really need to stop phoning my mobile to find out where I've put it then thinking “Oooh, missed call!” when I find it. What a dumbass

   I saw a baby wearing a onesie that said..."I'm what happened in Vegas".

   I feel like grabbing a random kid by the shoulders and screaming Hello "I'm you from the future!"

   friends and condoms have something in common. . . they both protect you when things get hard.

   I am a leader not a follower so therefore I don't twitter.

   So, from the Terminator to the Governator to the Sperminator?!?

   Taking your little Kids on a vacation with you to Vegas, is the same as taking a blind man to look at christman lights .. Just sayin!

   wonders if I'm the only person that doesn't want to be on the Price is Right because I don't want to be seen running like a baboon down the aisles?

   wonders who will be watching Kate Gosselin's litter of mutts while she's practicing for Dancing With The Stars.

   My advice to strippers: Dont stop, get it, get it. Get that payment for your Civic.

   What's the differece between a spit and a swallow? Cab fare and a ring!

   wondering why Texas is flying it's flag all over the country of Chili?

   In a perfect world.. Watching porn would actually update your computer.