Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Wayne Gretzky's son has opened a Parmesan cheese factory and it's ranked number 1 in the world.......He will now go down in history.....forever known as, "The Grate One"......

   Today sucked so much it featured a guest verse from Pitbull

   Get a load of this guy" - worst slogan for a sperm bank

   If Oreo's taught me one thing, it's that taking your food apart and licking it before you eat it is perfectly normal.

   If it looks like a pig and walks like a pig, do me a favor & tell my ex girlfriend I said hello.

   Ice cream is clearly God's way of telling us he likes us a little bit chubby.

   Justin Bieber aka "Douche Nizzel" says Miranda Kerr made him a man... I didn't know she was able to perform such a specialized operation on such a fragile looking little girl. Man do I hate "celebrities"!

   The guy that named the Pterodactyl could have learned a lot from the guy that named the Fly.

   Every time I see a beautiful woman with an idiot, I think to myself... this is a pretty good picture of my wife and me

   it just me, or does el Chapo sound like a low budget Mexican Restauraunt? Where ya wanna go eat? I duuno.. Let's try el Chapo's

   A new sandwich at Mcdonald's called the McBernie. When you order that, the guy behind you has to pay for it.

   I just put on a jacket I last wore at a wedding in 2002. And found Nokia 3210 in the pocket. It still has 2 bars of battery left.

   She lost me at, "let's talk about that dress."

   it REALLY stereotyping when we all know it true?

   How is McDonald's delivery not a thing yet? I can order a wife from another country but I can't get someone to bring me a Big Mac?

   Barbies only upset because Ken came in another box

   I hate it when I fill my blowup doll with helium and then she plays hard to get...

   Now that the government is closed, I am taking over thee country and claiming legal rights as President, you all answer to me now. . .

   It's 2013. With all the hormones in food and advances in medical technology, why are there still girls with less than C cup boobs?

   I have a cell phone a Ipad a laptop, stop sending me reminders to turn my clocks back...it's called automatic updates!