Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   The guy that named the Pterodactyl could have learned a lot from the guy that named the Fly.

   Every time I see a beautiful woman with an idiot, I think to myself... this is a pretty good picture of my wife and me

   it just me, or does el Chapo sound like a low budget Mexican Restauraunt? Where ya wanna go eat? I duuno.. Let's try el Chapo's

   A new sandwich at Mcdonald's called the McBernie. When you order that, the guy behind you has to pay for it.

   I just put on a jacket I last wore at a wedding in 2002. And found Nokia 3210 in the pocket. It still has 2 bars of battery left.

   She lost me at, "let's talk about that dress."

   it REALLY stereotyping when we all know it true?

   How is McDonald's delivery not a thing yet? I can order a wife from another country but I can't get someone to bring me a Big Mac?

   Barbies only upset because Ken came in another box

   I hate it when I fill my blowup doll with helium and then she plays hard to get...

   Now that the government is closed, I am taking over thee country and claiming legal rights as President, you all answer to me now. . .

   It's 2013. With all the hormones in food and advances in medical technology, why are there still girls with less than C cup boobs?

   I have a cell phone a Ipad a laptop, stop sending me reminders to turn my clocks back...it's called automatic updates!

   someone needs to tell Wyclef he can come back now.

   100% of all divorces began with getting married...

   I went out for a nice meal one day when the waiter asked, "How would you like your steak, sir?" "The same way I like my sex," I replied. He smiled and said, "So, rare?" B*tch.

   I look up to people who don’t look down on other people.

   A Red Box, inside a McDonald's, inside a Walmart... It's like the turducken of retail.

   No one is as ugly as their drivers license pic or as hot as their Facebook profile pic.

   You can't change the past, but you can spoil the present, by worrying about the future.