Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   The inventor of yodelling has died. Sadly, so did his little old lady too.

   Sorry for twerking in your front yard while your car got repossessed.

   Sometimes I do FB with my 3D glasses on... It's almost like you guys are right here with me!!

   It amazes me when doctors call their mistakes practice.

   I'm flirtatious, which means i'm poor.

   Gross. A stranger just smiled at me.

   RIP Justin Bieber. He was just attacked by an ostrich in Louisiana 20 minutes ago.

   The most powerful I ever feel is waving pedestrians to walk in front of my car. "Go forth, and trust that I will not kill you."

   Victory has a thousand fathers, but defeat is an orphan.

   Fog is just depressed clouds. Come on fog, get up there and be somebody!

   I used to be passive aggressive but now I'm aggressively passive. Don't mess with me, idiot. I'll sit right here. I'll f*cking forgive you.

   Sometimes I think, "Screw this, I will just be a stripper." Then I remember I am fat and I can't dance.

   I wonder if actors line their walls with autographed pictures of restaurant owners and dry cleaners.

   Wayne Gretzky's son has opened a Parmesan cheese factory and it's ranked number 1 in the world.......He will now go down in history.....forever known as, "The Grate One"......

   Today sucked so much it featured a guest verse from Pitbull

   Get a load of this guy" - worst slogan for a sperm bank

   If Oreo's taught me one thing, it's that taking your food apart and licking it before you eat it is perfectly normal.

   If it looks like a pig and walks like a pig, do me a favor & tell my ex girlfriend I said hello.

   Ice cream is clearly God's way of telling us he likes us a little bit chubby.

   Justin Bieber aka "Douche Nizzel" says Miranda Kerr made him a man... I didn't know she was able to perform such a specialized operation on such a fragile looking little girl. Man do I hate "celebrities"!