Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Women are completely cute and defenseless..... Until the nail polish dries up.

   It's casual Friday. Go give your boss the finger!

   If God wanted us to fly, He would have given us tickets

   Irony is not dead. The U.S. Embassy in Kabul wishes the people of Afghanistan a "Happy and Peaceful Independence Day."

   Everything I need to know about whether or not cops are allowed to search my car I learned from Jay-Z songs

   Not all wannabe gangster wear the pants hanging down and chase girls at the mall. Most amazingly enough, are on facebook, are middle aged and post annoying requests on my wall to play Mafia Wars.

   hey Ladies...I just noticed that I stick my tongue out in concentration when I wipe my butt. It's pretty adorable... still single

   The inventor of yodelling has died. Sadly, so did his little old lady too.

   Sorry for twerking in your front yard while your car got repossessed.

   Sometimes I do FB with my 3D glasses on... It's almost like you guys are right here with me!!

   It amazes me when doctors call their mistakes practice.

   I'm flirtatious, which means i'm poor.

   Gross. A stranger just smiled at me.

   RIP Justin Bieber. He was just attacked by an ostrich in Louisiana 20 minutes ago.

   The most powerful I ever feel is waving pedestrians to walk in front of my car. "Go forth, and trust that I will not kill you."

   Victory has a thousand fathers, but defeat is an orphan.

   Fog is just depressed clouds. Come on fog, get up there and be somebody!

   I used to be passive aggressive but now I'm aggressively passive. Don't mess with me, idiot. I'll sit right here. I'll f*cking forgive you.

   Sometimes I think, "Screw this, I will just be a stripper." Then I remember I am fat and I can't dance.

   I wonder if actors line their walls with autographed pictures of restaurant owners and dry cleaners.