Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   \(^_(-_(o_(0_0)_o)_o)_o) <-----Me & my crew. Thats me on the far left waving and somebody else sleeping

   If your girlfriend's cat gets eaten by an angry pitbull terrier, gently singing "The Circle of Life" into her ear WON'T cheer her up.

   If the NBA wants to increase viewers, they should start playing FOOTBALL!!!

   My grandma and your grandma were sitting by the fire, my grandma pushed your grandma right in the fire...that's just how she rolls.

   if you sneeze near an atheist they just ignore you because they know its just a natural phenomenon.

   "You know. If I had a son, he'd look like Hunter Biden and would do blow off a secretary's tramp stamp on a Naval base" ~ Barack Obama

   Lets not judge a whole race by the actions of one mad man. Race generalization must stop.

   Never give up on something you really want. It’s difficult to wait, but it’s more difficult to regret.

   ♫ Oh the weather outside is frightful, And this booze is damn delightful ♫

   On this Memorial Day let us remember the soldiers that have fallen, not a f@#king gorilla.

   That fantasy or religious belief you find so ridiculous might be the only thing giving someone enough strength to avoid suicide.

   ..taking into account that Iron Man and Batman's super powers are being super rich and smart, makes me really disappointed with Bill Gates.

   Sept 11th, I’m wearing a shirt that says “All Buildings Matter”

   KFC Announces The Hillary Special: Two Fat Thighs, Two Small Breasts, One Chicken Neck and a Left Wing.

   Sarah Palin on fact-finding mission to Arkansas: "We need to find out why birds are dying before they can be shot."

   Dear Santa, what I want for Christmas is... your list with names of bad girls ;)

   If a man won't lift a finger to see you & spend time with u, it's time for you to lift 5 fingers & wave goodbye!

   so there I was, stuck behind a bus at a red light. A group of kid turned around and stuck their tongues out at me. So I flipped them off, I'm not goin out like no b*tch!!

   Q: What would happen if the earth rotates 30 times faster? A: Men would get their salary everyday and women would bleed to death.

   Don't be disappointed if the person you love doesn't love you, because God has said "This is my world and even I couldn't make my every creation love me"