Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Sometimes you've no choice but to cheat on your girl with her best friend, not because you are a low down dirty dog but just to show her, her ‘best friend’ is a fake friend. In fact she should thank you for it.

   I'll leave your religion alone when your religion teaches you to treat everyone equally.

   "too fast, but not really that furious "

   "Hillary Clinton couldn't satisfy her husband. What makes her think she can satisfy the country?" -Monica Lewinsky

   The only thing worse than the roll out of Obamacare would be walking around barefoot in a Major League Baseball dugout....

   A mom knows everything about her kids...their favorite foods, friends, clothes, their school reports and their dreams. A dad is vaguely aware that there are some short people staying in the house with him.

   I'm already visualizing the duct tape over your mouth.

   \(^_(-_(o_(0_0)_o)_o)_o) <-----Me & my crew. Thats me on the far left waving and somebody else sleeping

   If your girlfriend's cat gets eaten by an angry pitbull terrier, gently singing "The Circle of Life" into her ear WON'T cheer her up.

   If the NBA wants to increase viewers, they should start playing FOOTBALL!!!

   My grandma and your grandma were sitting by the fire, my grandma pushed your grandma right in the fire...that's just how she rolls.

   if you sneeze near an atheist they just ignore you because they know its just a natural phenomenon.

   "You know. If I had a son, he'd look like Hunter Biden and would do blow off a secretary's tramp stamp on a Naval base" ~ Barack Obama

   Lets not judge a whole race by the actions of one mad man. Race generalization must stop.

   Never give up on something you really want. It’s difficult to wait, but it’s more difficult to regret.

   ♫ Oh the weather outside is frightful, And this booze is damn delightful ♫

   On this Memorial Day let us remember the soldiers that have fallen, not a f@#king gorilla.

   That fantasy or religious belief you find so ridiculous might be the only thing giving someone enough strength to avoid suicide.

   ..taking into account that Iron Man and Batman's super powers are being super rich and smart, makes me really disappointed with Bill Gates.

   Sept 11th, I’m wearing a shirt that says “All Buildings Matter”