Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I don’t trust people who drive like a turtle and then all of a sudden find the gas pedal and weave in and out of traffic the minute you pass them up. The only impression I have of you is, you must be bipolar

   I like how Reese's come with two peanut butter cups in the package. That way I can eat one now and then the other one right afterwards.

   My new motto is "Get drunk or try dying!"

   There are many benefits of being fat. Take Buddha for instance. He was too heavy to be put on a cross so they told him to just sit there quietly.

   The National Animal Research Center just completed a Study as to why squirrels run under cars..Turns out they are the Married ones...

   When I'm struggling to pull on a turtleneck I start to worry what the world will be like when I get to the other side.

   Difference between a G spot and a golf ball. Guys will search for a golf ball.

   I don't need Google...... My wife knows everything.

   When the smoke detector sounds, I know the dinner my girlfriend is cooking is ready.

   "Autographed Lorena Bobbitt stake knive set for sale $19.95"

   A fifth of Jack will make any girl look sexy.

   In these days of technological advancement, it’s advisable to record all arguments with a woman so you can at a later date prove who said what. Women are very good at denying what they said.

   It's funny, when my wife gives me the silent treatment. She actually thinks it's a punishment.

   A North Carolina woman stabbed her roommate's ex-boyfriend because she claimed he wouldn't stop playing Eagles music. He's OK, but apparently she stabbed him with those steely knives but she just couldn't kill the beast.

   Life is short. If you can't laugh at yourself, call me, then I will.

   Business in the front, party in the back! Linda’s Accounting And Brothel Services.

   Having a child is like having a little broke ass best friend!

   People say I have the legs of a dancer. But until they find the rest of the body, the cops have nothing on me, man!

   Watching this generation repeating nightmares from the past.

   I bet it's really hard for people on Botox to give others a disapproving scowl.