Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I would say "I hope your well", but that would be a lie

   If I ever get a hamster I'm naming it MC Hamster. Heck, I might buy one for that reason alone.

   I'm provaccine because the thought of having eight children and crossing my fingers that three make it to adulthood is so 1857.

   Your body is not a wonderland. It is a city park, at best.

   There's a time and place for hipster beards. That time is the Civil War and that place is a stockade in a Confederate camp.

   When you're feeding pigeons, you're really feeding doves from Hell.

   They need to put more spider poison in hairspray.

   I saw a science show on how we're merely energy sources who come back as other energies in subsequent lives. I can see it now, I'll be a 9 volt battery in a transistor radio from the 60's tuned to an Elvis only station.

   According to The Prophecy, today is my Hot Mess day.

   Don't worry inbox, I'm empty too.

   I dunno.Was EVERYBODY Kung Fu fighting? Wasn't there at least one guy watching the door?

   May your July 4th fireworks cause less personal injury than your July 4th alcohol consumption.

   Our cat doesn't like fireworks so we just let her hold sparklers every Independence Day.

   Confession: I ate all my hurricane snacks during the first two hours of the storm and I'm probably not the guy you want on your apocalypse team....

   I was reading that dogs can successfully sniff out cancer in humans. Now I’m worried that I’ve got testicular cancer.

   Maybe you don't have swagger, maybe it's an inner ear infection.

   Pokemon Lives Matter

   If a Canadian falls in the forest and no one is around, does he still apologize?

   Coming This Fall On HBO: Game of Loans. Move over medieval times, it's university life at it's finest in 2016.

   Awesome Fact: All baseball players are bilingual they speak English and profanity.