Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I would like to take a moment to publicly apologize to my wife for answering her phone and bringing it to her while she was on the toilet. I didn’t know your boss was facetiming you

   My neighbors are being loud and I wanted to yell at them but I didn’t want them to know it’s me so I found a clip of a woman yelling SHUT UP and played it at full volume

   The next person to take my status seriously is getting $500

   YouTube suggestion: [Inspirational video] I wake up at 3 am Me [at midnight]: no thank you! I don’t want that kind of negativity

   Autocorrect can be your best fiend or your worst enema.

   This year's "must have" Halloween costume is a level 4 biohazard suit

   How come no one has came up with a skeleton turkey inflatable with a santa hat on so you can put it out october 1st and take it down after Christmas.

   Baker: Is there a problem? Cannibal, returning a mincemeat pie: You’re damn right there’s a problem!

   If I had to homeschool kids because of the pandemic, recess would be 6 hours long.

   Lysol kills 99.9% of germs, yet you’re still here.

   I got a spam email telling me my online reputation needs some work. And, now I want to know which one of you has been running your mouth.

   Marriage tip #2: If your wife is acting kind of tired, to help her out, you can make her a to-do list. And when you give it to her, she will be thankful that you did all the thinking work for her.

   Don't just steal your kids' Halloween candy. Eat it in front of them. Clean up after them. Support them until age 26. Show them who's boss.

   For those who are constantly pondering whether the Glass is half empty ... or half full, miss the point!!! The Glass is Refillable!

   Well, it's that day that we act like our vote matters.

   #marriage Girls are never wrong. Until they are. Then they cry and are, somehow, not wrong again.

   My great grandfather is gone out drinking. He's celebrating finally paying off his student loan .

   What I envy in women is their ability to argue without any valid points whatsoever and still claim victory.

   Just put up my three foot Christmas tree, needed my six foot ladder to put the star on

   Don't just be part of the couch.... Be the couch.