Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Our neighbours are the type that run marathons. We're the type where, as we get out of the car, empty donut boxes fall out.

   Two words: Pokemon No

   Roger Ailes quits FOX News ..... Guess it's up to Trump Now!

   *points to wrist* this is my Fitbit. *points to rest of body* this is my fatbit.

   Can you get financial aid for dating?

   They say that we are what we eat. That means that I am cheap, easy and ready in 2 minutes!

   I made food for my son, set it in front of him like he was going to eat it and then we just laughed and laughed.

   August is National Catfish Month. Some of you should celebrate.

   They don't warn of how powerful and invincible you feel wearing a rain poncho.

   Blenders: You buy them with the intention on making healthy smoothies but end up making some kick a$$ margaritas.

   I'm a terrible human because I really can't stand to hear anyone hiccuping, coughing, sniffing or breathing....

   When my printer jams, I do what any logical male would do; I go buy a new printer.

   McDonalds serves breakfast all day now but apparently if you want McNuggets wrapped in a pancake like a taco, you have to do it yourself.

   Nothing can equate to the horror of looking a wheelchair bound person in the eye as you finally exit the handicapped stall.

   Ryan Lochte now claims Colin Powell suggested he lie about being robbed at gunpoint.

   Imagine what Star Wars was rated before they censored all of R2-D2's lines.

   You're an adult. Stop hashtagging full sentences on Facebook.

   It's not that hard to figure out a woman.,, just leave her alone when she wants you to,,, Woah woah woah, not that much..... Ok, now she's mad

   Leia walks into the bedroom to find Han staring at himself in the mirror,, holding bagels over his ears.

   Just wish Bond movies give a more realistic view of how long it takes valet parking to fetch your car.