Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Blenders: You buy them with the intention on making healthy smoothies but end up making some kick a$$ margaritas.

   I'm a terrible human because I really can't stand to hear anyone hiccuping, coughing, sniffing or breathing....

   When my printer jams, I do what any logical male would do; I go buy a new printer.

   McDonalds serves breakfast all day now but apparently if you want McNuggets wrapped in a pancake like a taco, you have to do it yourself.

   Nothing can equate to the horror of looking a wheelchair bound person in the eye as you finally exit the handicapped stall.

   Ryan Lochte now claims Colin Powell suggested he lie about being robbed at gunpoint.

   Imagine what Star Wars was rated before they censored all of R2-D2's lines.

   You're an adult. Stop hashtagging full sentences on Facebook.

   It's not that hard to figure out a woman.,, just leave her alone when she wants you to,,, Woah woah woah, not that much..... Ok, now she's mad

   Leia walks into the bedroom to find Han staring at himself in the mirror,, holding bagels over his ears.

   Just wish Bond movies give a more realistic view of how long it takes valet parking to fetch your car.

   Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie to divorce. They've already adopted a team of lawyers.

   A woman's crazy is like an iceberg. 90% of it is not visible.

   Hope my marriage can make it through another season of disagreement over the pronunciation of pecan.

   The year is 2027. Thousands of missing women are unable to be found because they look nothing like the pictures they post on the Internet.

   Visiting my parents today. So, ask me anything about local news.

   I haven't checked the chinese calendar yet but I'm betting this is the year of the Clown.

   Friend: I'm getting married! Me: Have you considered just letting a homeless man sleep on your couch, instead?

   This offends me as a vegan transgender atheist German engineer who vapes organic decaffeinated compressed soy breast milk on the regular and a person who does Indian naked crossfit yoga 5 times per week.

   Maybe North Korea just needs a Snickers bar.