Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I'm not in a relation"ship," I'm in a relation"barge" that's towing emotional garbage all day long.

   The secret to success is to surround yourself with people that don't know you.

   my girl said she wanna travel so I handed her a basketball & told her “take three steps”

   Due to rising operational costs, I will no longer be able to provide dirty deeds at a dirt cheap rate. Thank you for your understanding.

   Out shopping for keychain pepper spray for when people start saying “See you next Year!” to me....

   Netflix should have the option to not just resume from when you shut it off, but to resume from when you fell asleep.

   Why did it have to be the dog? I have the hubby insured for $1.5 million.

   I would say "I hope your well", but that would be a lie

   If I ever get a hamster I'm naming it MC Hamster. Heck, I might buy one for that reason alone.

   I'm provaccine because the thought of having eight children and crossing my fingers that three make it to adulthood is so 1857.

   Your body is not a wonderland. It is a city park, at best.

   There's a time and place for hipster beards. That time is the Civil War and that place is a stockade in a Confederate camp.

   When you're feeding pigeons, you're really feeding doves from Hell.

   They need to put more spider poison in hairspray.

   I saw a science show on how we're merely energy sources who come back as other energies in subsequent lives. I can see it now, I'll be a 9 volt battery in a transistor radio from the 60's tuned to an Elvis only station.

   According to The Prophecy, today is my Hot Mess day.

   Don't worry inbox, I'm empty too.

   I dunno.Was EVERYBODY Kung Fu fighting? Wasn't there at least one guy watching the door?

   May your July 4th fireworks cause less personal injury than your July 4th alcohol consumption.

   Our cat doesn't like fireworks so we just let her hold sparklers every Independence Day.