Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   bought candy at the movies and suddenly I can't pay this months rent anymore

   Just bought a pair of velcro shoes. What a rip off.

   I bet if Jeff Bridges picked up your kid from school today & said “I’m your dad now,” your kid wouldn’t even question it.

   Me: You must admit that Apollo 11 landing on the moon 50 yrs ago is pretty impressive. Cow: *takes drag from cigarette* Yeah, but if you jump over it in 1765 no one cares, apparently.

   I like to throw a fake punch at a hoooker's crotch. If she flinches, I know it's a dude.

   I canceled my Netflix after discovering tons of free channel's where I can endlessly scroll their menus finding nothing to watch, just like Netflix.

   me: *having prostate examination* doc: omg, when was this last wiped? me: WHAT doc: *pointing to dust on table* I must speak to the cleaning lady

   I'm not in a relation"ship," I'm in a relation"barge" that's towing emotional garbage all day long.

   The secret to success is to surround yourself with people that don't know you.

   my girl said she wanna travel so I handed her a basketball & told her “take three steps”

   Due to rising operational costs, I will no longer be able to provide dirty deeds at a dirt cheap rate. Thank you for your understanding.

   Out shopping for keychain pepper spray for when people start saying “See you next Year!” to me....

   Netflix should have the option to not just resume from when you shut it off, but to resume from when you fell asleep.

   Why did it have to be the dog? I have the hubby insured for $1.5 million.

   At the end of each day life should ask us, "Do you want to save the changes?"

   Auto correct is my worst enema

   Leaving out one letter can cost you thousands of dollars in legal fees: "Doll I'm having a blast in Las Vegas, wish you were her."

   I like to hold hands at the movies... but it always seems to freak out strangers.

   I was in a band called Click Bait. You won't believe the kind of music we recorded... Track number 5 will blow your mind.

   HELP WANTED: Seeking motivated and goal oriented individual to validate me on the internet.