Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   A belt may hold up your pants but belt loops hold up the belt, so who's the real hero??

   If you're really really quiet, you can hear yourself doing the world a favor.

   Thanks to Facebook birthday reminders I know who to unfriend after thinking who the heck is this person?

   If life gives you melons .. men will do pretty much anything you want them to.

   Congrats on your recent weight loss! Now if only you could cardio your way to a better face

   Based on how much my body cracks and pops when I work out, I'm pretty sure I'm about 74% Rice Krispies.

   No, Grandma; you can’t pull a Basic Instinct for extra potatoes at the retirement home.

   HR wants to have a little chat about my electric fence.

   Dont try to change to please someone else. Love yourself, honor yourself, respect yourself, and be your own person, and someone will love you just they way you are!.....Unless of course your just a narcissistic jerk. Then by all.means, change!

   craved ice cream, so I had Greek yogurt with blueberries instead still craving ice cream except now I’m angry, too

   SHAKE WHAT YOUR MAMA GAVE YOU *shakes buy one get one free coupon*

   The next person who says I'm using chopsticks incorrectly can cut this umbilical cord themselves

   To make a long story short, just walk away once you're bored.

   bought candy at the movies and suddenly I can't pay this months rent anymore

   Just bought a pair of velcro shoes. What a rip off.

   I bet if Jeff Bridges picked up your kid from school today & said “I’m your dad now,” your kid wouldn’t even question it.

   Me: You must admit that Apollo 11 landing on the moon 50 yrs ago is pretty impressive. Cow: *takes drag from cigarette* Yeah, but if you jump over it in 1765 no one cares, apparently.

   I like to throw a fake punch at a hoooker's crotch. If she flinches, I know it's a dude.

   I canceled my Netflix after discovering tons of free channel's where I can endlessly scroll their menus finding nothing to watch, just like Netflix.

   me: *having prostate examination* doc: omg, when was this last wiped? me: WHAT doc: *pointing to dust on table* I must speak to the cleaning lady