Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I just cleaned up my friends list. So if you could see this post it means you've made the cut because you're special! Or my worst enemy I just want to keep an eye on.

   What if we used to be able to make wishes but then someone wished we couldn't?

   The reason that a grilled cheese sandwich and tomato soup make such a great combination is because they the same basic ingredients as pizza.

   some days you're the statue, some days you're the pigeon

   Y’all really spending $300 for hotels rooms on Valentine’s Day to do the same 3 position y’all do at home?

   Was gonna make a subtle joke about the Rueben I got at a deli the other day but I'm not sure everyone would appreciate the rye humor.

   I don't want to brag, but I have the dietary habits of a much younger man.

   I changed all my clocks but I forgot to change my watch. So now I can't find it, because it's like, in the past, man.

   When you like somebody but they want to fix you up with their friend. That's kind of like when you ask for a Coke and the waiter says "Is Pepsi OK?"

   A belt may hold up your pants but belt loops hold up the belt, so who's the real hero??

   If you're really really quiet, you can hear yourself doing the world a favor.

   Thanks to Facebook birthday reminders I know who to unfriend after thinking who the heck is this person?

   If life gives you melons .. men will do pretty much anything you want them to.

   Congrats on your recent weight loss! Now if only you could cardio your way to a better face

   Based on how much my body cracks and pops when I work out, I'm pretty sure I'm about 74% Rice Krispies.

   No, Grandma; you can’t pull a Basic Instinct for extra potatoes at the retirement home.

   HR wants to have a little chat about my electric fence.

   Dont try to change to please someone else. Love yourself, honor yourself, respect yourself, and be your own person, and someone will love you just they way you are!.....Unless of course your just a narcissistic jerk. Then by all.means, change!

   craved ice cream, so I had Greek yogurt with blueberries instead still craving ice cream except now I’m angry, too

   SHAKE WHAT YOUR MAMA GAVE YOU *shakes buy one get one free coupon*