Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I see your narcissism and raise you Vaingloriousness!

   My buddy asked me, "What are 5 things you would take with you in a zombie apocalypse?" I replied, "That's simple. 5 people slower than me!"

   When you love someone you take interest in their interests or at least pretend to.

   This pizza looks like a pie chart of 100% good news.

   The scary thing is that Snooki's tattoo is more manly than Bieber's.

   You know that one person you're always thinking about? They don't.

   Since Manti Teo's girlfriend didn't exist, I really hope AJ McCarron's girlfriend wasn't a hologram.

   Don't be freaked out that I'm knocking at your door. Haven't seen you update your status for a few days, and just wanted to make sure you're okay.

   The atmosphere at the Superbowl must have been absolutely electric! Oh wait.....

   not single; is just waiting for his girlfriend to quit playing hide and seek.

   heard a couple arguing in mcdonalds and one of them stood up and said “i’m mcdone with u” and left

   I decided to beat Black Friday and start my Christmas shopping early. *Runs Amazon van off the road

   why is it called a caesarean section and not an escape womb

   I ate so much bread yesterday, I checked Web MD to make sure that I couldn’t end up with a yeast infection.

   My neighbour wasn’t in when her wedding dress was delivered. She called to ask me if I would take it in for her, so I did and now she’s mad because I made it too tight.

   If you don't vaccinate your kids they'll grow up to be Vegan CrossFitters with a gluten allergy.

   Pope declares Mother Teresa a saint. Kanye West sues the Catholic Church for copyright infringement.

   I bet Target never opens stores next to a bow and arrow shop.

   When I was young at bedtimes my mum always told me a story with a happy ending. One of the benefits of having a mum from Thailand I suppose.

   The pinata is a great way for Mexicans to teach their kids to beat something till they get what they want.