Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I will have you know I have FRIENDS! All 10 seasons.

   When you DIE, your True friends will cry. While your Best friends will collect 7 Dragon Balls, just to bring your life back...

   If you can spell chlamydia or gonorrhea without spell check, my money is on you having had it a time or 10 too many.

   I have no idea where I'm going and I like it that way. It's called living.

   I see your narcissism and raise you Vaingloriousness!

   My buddy asked me, "What are 5 things you would take with you in a zombie apocalypse?" I replied, "That's simple. 5 people slower than me!"

   When you love someone you take interest in their interests or at least pretend to.

   This pizza looks like a pie chart of 100% good news.

   The scary thing is that Snooki's tattoo is more manly than Bieber's.

   You know that one person you're always thinking about? They don't.

   Since Manti Teo's girlfriend didn't exist, I really hope AJ McCarron's girlfriend wasn't a hologram.

   Don't be freaked out that I'm knocking at your door. Haven't seen you update your status for a few days, and just wanted to make sure you're okay.

   The atmosphere at the Superbowl must have been absolutely electric! Oh wait.....

   not single; is just waiting for his girlfriend to quit playing hide and seek.

   I am thinking about going back to college to further my education. Just don't know if I am gonna fit into the stripper clothes I am gonna need to be able to pay for it.

   c[_] see that... It's my care cup... And it's kinda empty -.-

   You're not too young for me; you just haven't lived enough.

   Too many men try to extinguish a woman's fire. If you feel her heat, don't bring water, bring gasoline.

   "I barely know you are you sure you want to have sex?" Things you will never hear a guy say

   heard a couple arguing in mcdonalds and one of them stood up and said “i’m mcdone with u” and left