Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   It seems like around 90% of my work day is spent between the hours of four and five o'clock.

   FACEBOOK – A place where couples wish they were single and the singles wish they were couples.

   Honk if you hate car horns.

   I will have you know I have FRIENDS! All 10 seasons.

   When you DIE, your True friends will cry. While your Best friends will collect 7 Dragon Balls, just to bring your life back...

   If you can spell chlamydia or gonorrhea without spell check, my money is on you having had it a time or 10 too many.

   I have no idea where I'm going and I like it that way. It's called living.

   I see your narcissism and raise you Vaingloriousness!

   My buddy asked me, "What are 5 things you would take with you in a zombie apocalypse?" I replied, "That's simple. 5 people slower than me!"

   When you love someone you take interest in their interests or at least pretend to.

   This pizza looks like a pie chart of 100% good news.

   The scary thing is that Snooki's tattoo is more manly than Bieber's.

   You know that one person you're always thinking about? They don't.

   Since Manti Teo's girlfriend didn't exist, I really hope AJ McCarron's girlfriend wasn't a hologram.

   Don't be freaked out that I'm knocking at your door. Haven't seen you update your status for a few days, and just wanted to make sure you're okay.

   The atmosphere at the Superbowl must have been absolutely electric! Oh wait.....

   not single; is just waiting for his girlfriend to quit playing hide and seek.

   All countries have the Coronavirus, but China got it right off the bat

   Today my husband ate margarine with a spoon. Long story short, I’m unable to see a future with him. We had a good run.

   They said wearing a mask keeps you from touching your face… I need one for my d*ck.