Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   it still technically a "walk of shame" if I rollerbladed?

   Facebook keeps suggesting me the friends... You may know.. But when I try adding them it again says do you know them...??

   With the day I just had looking to go out tonight for a bender. The type of bender even Charlie Sheen would say "DAMN DUDE YOU BETTER SLOW DOWN BEFORE YOU KILL YOURSELF"!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

   I believe that sex is one of the most beautiful, natural, wholesome things that money can buy

   PMS: stands for either "Pass My Shotgun" or "Potential Murder Suspect". Take your pick.

   if you take more than 2 minutes to repond in our chat, I shall assume I'm not high on your chat priority list and X out.

   I've never gone to bed with an ugly woman......... but I sure woke up with a few

   I just woke up fro m a bad dream. I was being suffocated between two huge breasts...then woke up between the couch cushions

   If I don't have time to make coffee, I pull out a nose hair instead.

   Sometimes I wish I was an animal. Animals don't bullsh*t each other; they always keep it real and to the point. Animal pickup line is simple and effective - " I like you let's make babies”

   Someone needs their vote privilege taken away!!

   Sometimes, no matter how much faith we have, we lose people. But you never forget them. And sometimes, it's those memories that give us the strength to go on.

   Next time you think of beautiful things, don't forget to count yourself in.

   Dryer lint sure does smell a lot better than it tastes.

    As much as I love butter spray bottles it just makes me want Bacon spray bottles." I'd put that $hit on everything "

   I'm following my dreams because I tried reality and that didn't work out so well.

   Whenever I see a fly on a plane, I'm amazed by the wisdom of that choice.

   Do drugs!!" - Reverse psychology drug prevention program

   Sometimes I walk through the baby aisle at the grocery store as a reminder to always use a condom.

   I hate it when people say " you need your beaut sleep" damn B**ch, you need to hibernate!