Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   A smile is the same in every language, I'm pretty sure the pee pee dance is too...

   Those who say laughter is the best medicine obviously never heard a great joke while suffering with diarrhoea.

   Being loved unconditionally is not a free pass to mess up.

   Refuses to add his co workers on Facebook, I don't want them to see all the sh!t I talk about them on there.

   The Doctor advised me to eat more spinach. He said it'd put color in my cheeks. Who wants green cheeks?

   I don't exercise. If God wanted me to bend over, he'd have put diamonds on the floor.

   I just watched the "Notebook" & "Rudy" ...NO I didn't cry! but I want to go out for an ice cream now

   it still technically a "walk of shame" if I rollerbladed?

   Facebook keeps suggesting me the friends... You may know.. But when I try adding them it again says do you know them...??

   With the day I just had looking to go out tonight for a bender. The type of bender even Charlie Sheen would say "DAMN DUDE YOU BETTER SLOW DOWN BEFORE YOU KILL YOURSELF"!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

   I believe that sex is one of the most beautiful, natural, wholesome things that money can buy

   PMS: stands for either "Pass My Shotgun" or "Potential Murder Suspect". Take your pick.

   if you take more than 2 minutes to repond in our chat, I shall assume I'm not high on your chat priority list and X out.

   I've never gone to bed with an ugly woman......... but I sure woke up with a few

   I just woke up fro m a bad dream. I was being suffocated between two huge breasts...then woke up between the couch cushions

   If I don't have time to make coffee, I pull out a nose hair instead.

   Sometimes I wish I was an animal. Animals don't bullsh*t each other; they always keep it real and to the point. Animal pickup line is simple and effective - " I like you let's make babies”

   Someone needs their vote privilege taken away!!

   Sometimes, no matter how much faith we have, we lose people. But you never forget them. And sometimes, it's those memories that give us the strength to go on.

   Next time you think of beautiful things, don't forget to count yourself in.