Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Hey kids you may think you are cool playing your music loud, but face the facts. You were probably conceived during a commercial during Melrose Place

   IPods: where 8 GB of memory really means 6.46.

   A smile is the same in every language, I'm pretty sure the pee pee dance is too...

   Those who say laughter is the best medicine obviously never heard a great joke while suffering with diarrhoea.

   Being loved unconditionally is not a free pass to mess up.

   Refuses to add his co workers on Facebook, I don't want them to see all the sh!t I talk about them on there.

   The Doctor advised me to eat more spinach. He said it'd put color in my cheeks. Who wants green cheeks?

   I don't exercise. If God wanted me to bend over, he'd have put diamonds on the floor.

   I just watched the "Notebook" & "Rudy" ...NO I didn't cry! but I want to go out for an ice cream now

   it still technically a "walk of shame" if I rollerbladed?

   Facebook keeps suggesting me the friends... You may know.. But when I try adding them it again says do you know them...??

   With the day I just had looking to go out tonight for a bender. The type of bender even Charlie Sheen would say "DAMN DUDE YOU BETTER SLOW DOWN BEFORE YOU KILL YOURSELF"!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

   I believe that sex is one of the most beautiful, natural, wholesome things that money can buy

   PMS: stands for either "Pass My Shotgun" or "Potential Murder Suspect". Take your pick.

   if you take more than 2 minutes to repond in our chat, I shall assume I'm not high on your chat priority list and X out.

   I've never gone to bed with an ugly woman......... but I sure woke up with a few

   I just woke up fro m a bad dream. I was being suffocated between two huge breasts...then woke up between the couch cushions

   If I don't have time to make coffee, I pull out a nose hair instead.

   Sometimes I wish I was an animal. Animals don't bullsh*t each other; they always keep it real and to the point. Animal pickup line is simple and effective - " I like you let's make babies”

   Someone needs their vote privilege taken away!!