Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   With all the complaining on FB, I'm sure the world's social injustices will be righted in no time.

   Remember way back when the only thing that was annoying on your feed were game requests?

   Ariana Grande would be the first kid on the factory tour taken away by the Oompa Loompas.

   Kim and Kanye name their newborn son Saint West because it will take a miracle for him to turn out normal.

   There is a piece of aluminum foil blowing across the road and all I can think is that one of you is without your protective headgear today.

   its amusing listening to someone's lie when you already know the truth

   People don't change... They just learn to lie better!

   4 out of 5 voices in my head think the other voice is a douche...

   I'm only as nice as people allow me to be, so don't push my jerk button and we'll be great

   Know what? If they had Neosporin back in 1931, that nasty scar on Frankenstein's forehead would have been far less noticeable.

   So, I've noticed that your superpower is the ability to create drama out of absolutely nothing.

   I wonder during the election for Pope, did the other cardinals point to the losers and say excitedly "you are NOT the father"

   ..didn't get the job... heading home.. Good Bye Rome.. until we meet again

   if you update your profile pic to one that's 2-3 years old without acknowledging its age, I will comment about how much thinner you were back then...

   I just learned the population of sheep in New Zealand is 60 Million..... How long did someone have to stay awake to figure that out?

   Someone who went to school and got a degree in graphic design put time and effort into designing the butterfly design on my toilet paper

   Open your mind before your mouth.

   I started training for a .00001K run coming up 2 years from now. It's going to be hell, but I think I can do it.

   My Crocs say I'm always down for a good time but my fanny pack lets you know I'm prepared for anything.

   no matter how fast you run, the serial killer always walks faster