Lemonpillow Funny Status Messages

   If opportunity really wanted my attention, it would have rung the doorbell.

   I never apologize. I'm sorry, but that's just the way I am...

   A study reported that iPhone users have more sex. Most likely cause is that there's an app for that.

   How many animals can you get into a pair of tights? 10 little piggies, 2 calves, 1 beaver, 1 ass, 1 p*ssy, thousands of hares and a dead fish no one can ever find.

   Its Friday 13th,an unlucky day.To counteract that you could try a Rabbits Foot or a Lucky Horseshoe. Horseshoes usually bring good luck today,but never trust a horse that wears high heels & remember to never trust a rabbit that tries to sell you his foot.

   People used to protest things... Now they just join Facebook groups named 1,000,000 strong against ___________ .

   A study finds that most US currency is laced with cocaine. In fact, most dollar bills have a street value of $1.07.

   When I die, I want to be buried with a ring of toasters surrounding me. That way, when Archaeologists dig me up in 1,000 years they'll say "Ohh she must have been important!"

   When dogs leap onto your bed,it's because they adore being with you. When cats leap onto your bed,it's because they adore your bed.

   Apparently, I would rather break my teeth or put a hole in my new shirt than locate a pair of scissors to cut the tag off.

   When a man speaks, people listen, then look. When a woman speaks, people look; then, if they like what they see, they listen.

   why does a woman have two sets of lips? One to argue with the other to apologize.

   I spent 3 hours watching Big Brother tonight, thinking all that lazy woman has done is lay on the sofa eating crisps and drinking fizzy.Then I realised the TV wasn't even on...it was just the reflection off the screen.

   My therapist once told me, "Sarah, no one is taking advantage of you." Feeling a bit better I asked how much was the co-pay. He said "I don't know how much do you got?"

   Why don't refrigerators have a milk dispenser next to the water in the door? You could just hold your cereal bowl under it and push the button.

   At the Edinburgh Festival Fringe this year,this was voted as the best one-liner :"I've just been on a once-in-a-lifetime holiday. I'll tell you what, never again.". Those Scots. What a hilarious bunch they are.

   Dance like no one's going to put it on YouTube.

   Doctors waiting room needs some music. And better lighting. And more women. And a pole in the middle of the room. And a buffet.

   I just read last year 4,153,237 people got married. I don't want to start any trouble, but shouldn't that be an even number?

   Whenever someone tells you to take their advice,you can be pretty sure they're not using it.