Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Woman cradles and protects child. Man carries and protects both. This is how it ought to be, despite what your gender studies professor says.

   Cher diddn't lose a daughter, She gained a Ton.

   People say that you chew ice cubes when your sexually frustrated: Related News, I am responsible for the shrinking Ice caps.

   What you give to a woman is multiplied. Give her sperm, she gives you baby. Give her a house, she gives a home. Give her groceries, she gives you a meal. Give her a smile, she gives you her heart. Give her a little crap, she gives you a ton of sh!t.

   (beep) (beep) (beep) You have reached a status that has been disconnected or is no longer in service. I you feel this message is an error, please log off and try your comment again. Thank You.

   My funny Facebook statuses are my contribution to society.

   Woke up today singing, "It's the 4th of July," to the tune of "It's the First of the Month," by Bone Thugs-N-Harmony.

   There's a fine line between a 5pm meeting and a hostage situation.

   just saw a homeless guy blasting Nickleback on his radio, proving that listening to Nickelback leads to homelessness

   if I'm getting pulled over by police and I just coveniently pull into a Dunkin Donuts parking lot, can that be considered bribery??..... I'm just say'n.

   Problem is people confuse LOVE with BUSINESS. If you are with her because she gives the best BJs and she is with you because you pay all her bills then thats not a LOVE affair, that's just a BUSINESS arrangement.

   Happy Father's Day, all! Be nice to your dad today. Remember it's because of him not pulling out in time that you're alive today!

   Going to the mall this weekend and trying on extra small shirts so I can remember what it feels like to be hugged

   Can you guys believe some people get paid to advertise products on their Facebook page? That's crazy. Almost as crazy as the intense rush of energy I get after drinking Monster's new Triple Strength Xtra Max Energy Shot™.

   If you want your team to win a sporting event just tell me. I will root for the other team. That will guarantee a win for your team.

   Friday! There you are, you sexy son of a btich! We've been lookin for you since Monday!

   My doctor prescribed marijuana for my constipation but said if it didn't work after a week to discontinue using it. Basically he told me to poop or get off the pot.

   what idiot called it grass and not Earth hair

   What is the difference between a Porsche and a porcupine?.... The porcupine has the pricks on the outside....

   FUN FACT: The Middle of a donut is actually fat free.