Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Wondering why MTV hasn't done "15 and Slutty" yet. Seems kinda like a no-brainer.

   *Me working in straw factory,,, " This is The LAST STRAW,, I QUIT! ",,, * Throws straw out window,,, *straw lands on camel factory next door,,, * camel screams in pain

   I am disappointed that my malware program does not block Hillary images.

   If I had a dollar for everytime my sexuality has been questioned, I could buy a BAD AZZ HARLEY, and a super cute pair of riding boots.

   Why do women like hockey more than men? Because it looks so much like vacuuming!

   When a dumb chick takes her boyfriend back after catching him cheating on her, 90% of the time he will celebrate by cheating again.

   Woman cradles and protects child. Man carries and protects both. This is how it ought to be, despite what your gender studies professor says.

   Does anyone know where I can get in line for one of the millions upon millions of vaccine shots that would be "Ready to go" election day?

   Cher diddn't lose a daughter, She gained a Ton.

   People say that you chew ice cubes when your sexually frustrated: Related News, I am responsible for the shrinking Ice caps.

   What you give to a woman is multiplied. Give her sperm, she gives you baby. Give her a house, she gives a home. Give her groceries, she gives you a meal. Give her a smile, she gives you her heart. Give her a little crap, she gives you a ton of sh!t.

   (beep) (beep) (beep) You have reached a status that has been disconnected or is no longer in service. I you feel this message is an error, please log off and try your comment again. Thank You.

   My funny Facebook statuses are my contribution to society.

   Woke up today singing, "It's the 4th of July," to the tune of "It's the First of the Month," by Bone Thugs-N-Harmony.

   There's a fine line between a 5pm meeting and a hostage situation.

   just saw a homeless guy blasting Nickleback on his radio, proving that listening to Nickelback leads to homelessness

   if I'm getting pulled over by police and I just coveniently pull into a Dunkin Donuts parking lot, can that be considered bribery??..... I'm just say'n.

   Problem is people confuse LOVE with BUSINESS. If you are with her because she gives the best BJs and she is with you because you pay all her bills then thats not a LOVE affair, that's just a BUSINESS arrangement.

   Happy Father's Day, all! Be nice to your dad today. Remember it's because of him not pulling out in time that you're alive today!

   Going to the mall this weekend and trying on extra small shirts so I can remember what it feels like to be hugged