Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   The most precious possession that ever comes to a man in this world is a woman's heart

   Don't get your hopes up. Santa has about as much of a chance of bringing "Hope and Change" as a clown does.

   If you smacked a kid in the face with a bottle of Johnson's No More Tears, would it create beautiful irony?

   I am not sure how I missed this, busy I guess, but Monica Lewinsky turned 42 earlier this week, it seems like only yesterday she was crawling around the White House on her knees.

   Call my girlfriend.. Call my girlfrien.. Call oy girly.. Call of gurty.. Call of duty.

   ‎1st Lady Gaga went to the VMA's dressed in meat, then she went to the Grammy's in an egg! 2 more Red Carpets & she'll be a "Grand Slam" @ Denny's!!!

   Hey MARIO..!! Remember me??? I wasted my CHILDHOOD saving your girlfriend

   Weiner's press conference was long and hard, but he finally whipped out his resignation after beating around the bush for a few minutes, effectively penetrating the crux of the situation and bringing the story to an explosive climax...

   You remind me of my Chinese friend.. Ug Lee

   sorry folks, he will go down as one of the greatest Presidents in History

   Chivalry is dead. And women killed it.

   SEAN PENN is a communist-loving sellout. Why the hell was he crying like a little b itch at HUGO CHAVEZ funeral?

   if sex with 3 people is called a threesome and sex with 2 people is called a twosome then you should understand why they call me handsome

   I just checked. There are no restraining orders against you. There's no reason you can't attend church!!!!

   Laughter is not the best medicine. Laughter with copious amounts of alcohol & wild crazy monkey sex - now that's the best medicine.

   50,000 battered women....and i'm still eating mine plain

   Who else thinks the Brandon should be 2021 man of the year?

   What's the speed limit of sex? 68. Because at 69 you have to turn around.

   I like my women like I like my coffee...tied up in a burlap sack and dragged through the Andes behind a donkey.

   Welcome to Utah - Set your watch back 20 years.