Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   is excited for Christmas. What other time of the year can you sit around a dead tree and eat candy out of socks?

   sick of people saying "im so sick I feel like ive been hit by a truck" well, I have a truck if they really want to know the feeling! :)

   mastered the art of changing lanes and not running over the white reflectors in the road!

   Dear Wendy's, I so love your delicious, frozen treat called the Frosty. May I make a suggestion? Instead of a plastic straw, could you please substitute this with a bamboo straw? I'm tired of the plastic straws collapsing on me.

   Draft dodgers always have the most to say about patriotism in an attempt to clear their guilty conscience.

   First Responders of 911 were not honored by the NFL last night. A rapist was.

   When is "White History" month?

   Chosing the new pope process; exposing to the world just how dumb Roman Catholic are.

   Breaking News: President Obama has just confirmed that the DC earthquake occurred on a rare and obscure fault-line, apparently known as "Bush's Fault".

   I don't Obamaknow and I don't Obamacare......

   Fingering a fat girl is like trying to steal snacks from a vending machine.

   The population of the USA 323.1 million, CNN Fake News watchers 1.72 million. 99% stand with Trump, unless you’re an idiot.

   Looks like the driver owes Walker a 10 second car now

   I've got the moves like jagger! Just kidding, I dance like a retarded penguin.

   It's alright to steal my status updates. However, I just want to let you know that I lick each one before I post it.

   Cut off fake people for real reasons, NOT real people for fake reasons.

   Fathers day, the most confusing day in the ghetto...

   I spent the afternoon scanning Facebook profile pics and some of you really need to find Jesus.

   gues she finally exhaled

   LIKE if you reply ”LMFAO” ”ROFL” “LOL” and you're clearly just sitting there emotionless as a robot.