Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   If you've never seen an elephant ski you've never been on acid..........

   I had a FULL SLAB of chicken RIBS for lunch, and I'm still hungry.

   It goes in dry, it comes out wet. The longer it stays in, the stronger it gets. It comes out dripping and it starts to sag - It's not what you think... it's a Tetley's Tea Bag!!

   FYI: Do not buy Activia yogurt if you do not need it for the reasons advertised. Not even if it's on sale and you have a $1 coupon and it's double coupon daze at the store...unless you like stabbing abdominal pains and blaming lots of stuff on the dog.

   Eating all of the marshmellows out of someones Lucky Charms is the highest form of disrespect.

   Can the govt mge health care? I think not, look at the cash 4 clunkers. Mths after it ended dealers were still not paid. Guess the docs will wait 6 + months to receive their pymt. The cash 4 clunkers was a blip on the radar in size compared to health care

   If you love to make your own homemade beef jerky, don't get a vanity tag for your vehicle that says "LUV2JERK." People will laugh at you.

   is excited for Christmas. What other time of the year can you sit around a dead tree and eat candy out of socks?

   sick of people saying "im so sick I feel like ive been hit by a truck" well, I have a truck if they really want to know the feeling! :)

   mastered the art of changing lanes and not running over the white reflectors in the road!

   Dear Wendy's, I so love your delicious, frozen treat called the Frosty. May I make a suggestion? Instead of a plastic straw, could you please substitute this with a bamboo straw? I'm tired of the plastic straws collapsing on me.

   Draft dodgers always have the most to say about patriotism in an attempt to clear their guilty conscience.

   First Responders of 911 were not honored by the NFL last night. A rapist was.

   When is "White History" month?

   Chosing the new pope process; exposing to the world just how dumb Roman Catholic are.

   Breaking News: President Obama has just confirmed that the DC earthquake occurred on a rare and obscure fault-line, apparently known as "Bush's Fault".

   I don't Obamaknow and I don't Obamacare......

   Fingering a fat girl is like trying to steal snacks from a vending machine.

   The population of the USA 323.1 million, CNN Fake News watchers 1.72 million. 99% stand with Trump, unless you’re an idiot.

   Looks like the driver owes Walker a 10 second car now