Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I don't know if I'm a player. Ask one of my girlfriends.

   Hot weather drinking tip: Consume a fist full of aspirin, down a bottle of vodka and go stand out in the sun for about seven hours. Its fun

   Baseball World Records: Most Home Runs: Barry Bonds RBI's: Hank Aaron Career Batting Streak: Joe DiMaggio Most Innings Pitched: Cy Young Hit In The Face With The Most Balls: Justin Bieber

   "Party at my crib @ 2am" -on a baby shirt

   I think Martin Lawrence should just come out of the closet and admit he's a crossdresser already.

   Shout out to everybody that had to work on President's Day bwahahaha

   Ever want to click on someone’s Facebook status and fix all the spelling and grammatical errors for them?

   I’ve been to hell and back so many times I bought some property while I was there.

   Bourbon is the elixer of the gods. Therefore, I'm not an alcoholic - I'm divine.

   My favorite vegetable is bacon...

   Can anyone here recommend for me a good gym to drive past?

   "My phone's about to die." -Me, 30 seconds into every phone call ....

   have you ever logged on to do a 5 min project on-line and 3 hours later you are kinda suicidal ?

   Fat lady hops on an exercycle next to me, she says, "I'm here to lose weight." Me: "And you waited 'til the last min, didn't you?"

   Thanks to the economic crisis, bartending got upgraded from a job to a career.

   Some people say “If you can't beat them, join them”. I say “If you can't beat them, beat them”, because they will be expecting you to join them, so you will have the element of surprise.

   I saw a one-armed man shopping at a second-hand store. I was, like, 'You're not going to find what you're looking for!'

   just about to cook up some Ramen soup and realized I'm out of crackers. I'm cracka lackin!!!

   You can tell the size of a person by the size of the problems that gets them down. Be bigger than your problems.

   MC A of the Beastie Boys has died. I wont be able to sleep until the bury him in Brooklyn.