Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   90% of women don’t like men in pink shirts. Ironically, 90% of men in pink shirts don’t like women

   I asked two Uber drivers to pick each other up and am watching them chase each other in circles around my block until they run out of gas.

   President #42 was proven to be a Liar when he lied under Oath. President #45 who just happens to be the wife ofPresident #42 ..... Will be entering office as a Known and proven Liar Apparently people don't consider lying as a character flaw anymore.

   I preferred “meta” when it was attached to “mucil.”

   I logged all of my ailment symptoms into an online medical site and it has concluded that I died last Tuesday.

   Sometimes when I want to kill myself, I remember I have other personalities to consider. I'm thoughtful like that, always thinking of others.

   However lonely you feel, you're never alone. [There are literally millions of bugs, mites and bacteria living in your house.] Goodnight.

   You call it the love of your life, I call it a bottle of liquor.

   If you are babysitting your nieces and nephews, be sure to give them each a 5-Hour Energy Drink before you return them to their Mom and Dad.

   I finally got my shtt together but now it's too heavy to lift.

   Hey Russia, you spelled Sushi wrong.

   Winds up to 108 mph, structural damage, flying debris, massive depression, icy blasts, communication difficulties, untold misery and suffering...sure is making this texting while driving a real challenge.

   The holidays are a good time to think about those less fortunate than you. Aaaaaaand done.

   why is it that when a girl wears only a t-shirt to bed it's cute and sexy, but when I do it I'm some kind of weird, creepy, pervert?

   I just saw a Koi Fish that had a white guy tattooed on it

   Just found out Bob Ross was once a military sergeant and now I'm picturing him yelling LOOK AT ALL THOSE HAPPY LITTLE TREES, MAGGOT

   When my son was a teen and bragged how he came out of his mother, I reminded him that he came out of me first.

   Relationship status - Is anybody looking for US citizenship?

   Hillary Clinton made barking noices during yesterday's rally. I bet she is trying to get the dog vote now.

   It's not alright if a politician has been bought off by someone, but it is okay if they buy you off with promises of free stuff?