Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I believe there's a direct correlation as to why women who have a mustache always wear a sarong over their swimwear.

   Dear Yahoo, I've never heard anyone say, "I don't know, let's Yahoo! it..." just saying.Sincerely, Google.

   "SIT AND STUDY" - This stunt is performed by experts under controlled conditions. Don't try this at home or anywhere. :P

   My mother taught me about RECEIVING. “You are going to get it when you get home!”

   Dear Guys Named "Rhys" --Please tell us how it's pronounced already, or prepare to be known as "Buddy"

   I just want ppl to be honest with me. I mean, the worst thing I could do is drop kick you in your face.

   Never introduce her to your money before you introduce her to yourself.

   Some guy says to his teenage daughter “There are two words I'd like you to drop from your vocabulary. One is ‘awesome' and the other is ‘gross'.” “Okay,” she says, “what are they?”

   When you hear a classic song on TV pimping the Swiffer and you tell your kid you think it's cool, then you are officially a nerdy parent.

   Most things are easier said than done, I wish it was the other way around.

   If your sex manual says, "sex only in beds" you obviously have the Beginner's Edition!

   Slugs: are just homeless, snails.

   Strive to make your dreams and your reality one and the same!

   The only difference between a sink and urinal is an opinion

   The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.

   Some people need to realize that having fat on their bodies doesn't make them fat - it makes them alive.

   Mom, you know I love you, but I am not adding you on facebook.

   I just unlocked the "Restraining Order" badge by stalking people who use 4square.

   Just when you finally get to that moment you've been waiting for all your life, somebody yells "Time's up!"

   just heard that Lady Gaga will top her last performance by rebirthing....Special Guest: Octomom...