Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   The police got in a foot chase with a computer hacker. They didn’t catch him. He just ransomware.

   When the KFC chicken grease starts haunting your arteries its called Poultry Geist.

   Drank so much coffee I think I just lost hearing in my right eye.

   Sure, most of my cousins are doctors and lawyers and professors with nice houses and adorable kids but I’m the only one who can digest milk

   I’m loyal to my bakery. It’s called pastriotism.

   At this point, I think the only possibility way for America to be great is if Trump's plane collides with Hillary's plane at 40,000 feet head on and nothing but ashes make it to the ground.

   Its funny how no one is bringing up the fat lazy Americans...probably because we are stomping the world at the Olympics AGAIN.....

   I had a late nite knock (rather hard) on the front door....Before I knew it I was flushing items down the commode.....On a side note....if you flush skittles it looks like a overhead view of NASCAR at Bristol..

   I thought about going outside and doing something today but my Wi-Fi really doesn't reach very far.

   Once Liverpool sell Fernando Torres they are going to put an offer in for Andy Murray - They've never seen someone hit the net so many times in 90 minutes.

   Some days there just isn't enough give-a-damn.

   Goat Cheese: "Hey you know that disgusting animal you'd never eat? Check out what we did with some of it's breast milk!"

   Busted, Disgusted, and most of all, I can't be trusted.

   I believe there's a direct correlation as to why women who have a mustache always wear a sarong over their swimwear.

   Dear Yahoo, I've never heard anyone say, "I don't know, let's Yahoo! it..." just saying.Sincerely, Google.

   "SIT AND STUDY" - This stunt is performed by experts under controlled conditions. Don't try this at home or anywhere. :P

   My mother taught me about RECEIVING. “You are going to get it when you get home!”

   Dear Guys Named "Rhys" --Please tell us how it's pronounced already, or prepare to be known as "Buddy"

   I just want ppl to be honest with me. I mean, the worst thing I could do is drop kick you in your face.

   Never introduce her to your money before you introduce her to yourself.