Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Dear Slut: If you need 2 different guys to date at the same time, please don't expect me to be one of them.

   look, I'm only liking your status to let you know that I read it so you won't try to tell me about it later.

   Hey,, I'm from Maine... Of course we can bring in real pelts to our "Build-a-Bear Workshop"...

   Oh s hit! Tylor Swift broke up with her boyfriend last week. Better brace yourself for a man-bashing breakup album anytime now.

   Manti..I am a victim too. I watched the National Championship “game”

   I'll be in your bed if you need me!

   any sorority houses out there need me to deliver pizzas, clean the pool, fix the plumbing, etc???

   I walked out to get the newspaper this morning and the neighbor had already picked his up.

   education shouldn't be a debt sentence.

   Who says white men can't rap? Have you ever been to an auction?

   Whenever you see the words" SUGAR-FREE" or "FAT-FREE" Tthink of the words chemical sh*t storm.

   "You own my heart, she is just renting", said a man caught cheating.

   See?? I told you not to let me hold the chainsaw,,,,,, Now clean up this mess and think about what I've done.

   I was gonna give my change to a homeless guy today, but his sign said "ONE DAY IT COULD BE YOU." I held onto it, just in case he was right.

   When I have to put on one of those thick leather weightlifter belts to take a crap, I know it's time to eat some vegetables.!

   Have you heard they came out with a "NEW" Seven Dwarfs? Moody, Pissy, B*tchy, Tipsy, Clutzy, Crabby and his twin Crappy. They all live in my house cleverly disguised as my family! Want to come over?

   You do look pretty. At night. Behind a wall. With a bag on top of your head. To a Blind Person. If they turned around. Just maybe.

   I showered and came to work. Asking me to be productive is pushing it

   WTF.. is a newspaper?" - our grandchildren

   Oftentimes when I drop something small and I lose it, if I have two, I will drop the second one to see if it will bounce and lead me to the other one.