Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Remember to smile at your enemies. It makes you the bigger person, plus your smile will be prettier than their frown. They hate that.

   The stupid Facebook Timeline is completely ruining the whole "Drink Till You Forget" concept. Now I have a drinking problem AND get to remember everything.

   it me, or does that Uncle of the 2 suspect, DZHORkhar Tsarneav, look likes a pist-off Adam Sandlar?

   It was only a good night if you still have your wallet, phone and watch the next morning.

   Late to bed and early to rise, Makes you groggy and F$#ks with your eyes

   I'm just sitting around waiting for the alcohol to fix everything.

   I'm always nice to the new guy at work, because you can make bank on the show "Undercover Boss"

   I like to think all pizzas are personal pizzas.

   i'm not stalking, i'm making sure you're always ok.

   The world won't end in 2012, Marty Mcfly has been to 2015

   Dear Slut: If you need 2 different guys to date at the same time, please don't expect me to be one of them.

   look, I'm only liking your status to let you know that I read it so you won't try to tell me about it later.

   Hey,, I'm from Maine... Of course we can bring in real pelts to our "Build-a-Bear Workshop"...

   Oh s hit! Tylor Swift broke up with her boyfriend last week. Better brace yourself for a man-bashing breakup album anytime now.

   Manti..I am a victim too. I watched the National Championship “game”

   I'll be in your bed if you need me!

   any sorority houses out there need me to deliver pizzas, clean the pool, fix the plumbing, etc???

   I walked out to get the newspaper this morning and the neighbor had already picked his up.

   education shouldn't be a debt sentence.

   Who says white men can't rap? Have you ever been to an auction?