Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I like to think all pizzas are personal pizzas.

   When it's raining I don't work, when its sunny I don't work, when its cloudy I call in sick!

   Times are tought, jobs are scarce, I know I don't have the greatest body, but for you single ladies, I'll gigolo if the price is right. . .

   Drink like you're not on medication.

   Okay so, last Sunday we all lost an hour. This Sunday, we should all watch NASCAR and lose four.

   I Love The Taste Of Water...Especially If It Has Barley,Yeast,Hops,and Sugar Added To It and Left In A Little Dark Brown Bottle In A Cool Celler For A Few Months.

   "... okay, if it's a girl, we'll name her Serena Williams but if it's a boy we'll call him, Serena Williams..."

   I am bacon level happy.

   Walking away from a senseless arguments, makes sense to me!

   Hey ladies who say you like it when a man chokes you during sex. Did it ever occur to you that maybe he is just checking for an Adam’s apple?

   I have been thoroughly researching the native Potatoes of Couch and have become part of their tribe.

   i'm not stalking, i'm making sure you're always ok.

   The world won't end in 2012, Marty Mcfly has been to 2015

   Dear Slut: If you need 2 different guys to date at the same time, please don't expect me to be one of them.

   look, I'm only liking your status to let you know that I read it so you won't try to tell me about it later.

   Hey,, I'm from Maine... Of course we can bring in real pelts to our "Build-a-Bear Workshop"...

   Oh s hit! Tylor Swift broke up with her boyfriend last week. Better brace yourself for a man-bashing breakup album anytime now.

   Manti..I am a victim too. I watched the National Championship “game”

   I'll be in your bed if you need me!

   any sorority houses out there need me to deliver pizzas, clean the pool, fix the plumbing, etc???