Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   My dog is like a member of the family... but I'm not sure which one.

   Ever notice how trying to give your heart to someone who doesn't want it is alot like trying to give medicine to an infant?

   Girls we love for what they are; men for what they promise to be.

   I'm my best friend, and I'm my worst enemy

   Octomom we don't care about your body, how are you spending my mony on your kids?

   Eating Ramen Noodles with a spoon is like going the speed limit, sounds like a good idea but won't get you very far.

   akin it all day thinkin "dang I must look good today, everybodys checkin me out"! Come to find out...I've had a half eaten candy cane stuck to my butt all day... thanks kids!

   Picking up dog poo in the dark is like playing the worst kind of Where's Waldo imaginable

   Somehow, my inner beauty's not increasing my confidence when I'm walking into the sauna.

   Its gonna be one of those days... I just got up and missed the floor

   Game set match = tennis : set match run = arson.

   I tried to get over myself, but I'm just too awesome!

   amazed what she can do with a broccoli, when she puts her mind to it.

   I always bring my phone with me into the grocery store because I'm expecting a very important fake call if I see someone who knows me.

   French couple claims to have found 271 unknown Picassos. Suspiciously, one of them is "Still Life with McRib."

   wants to give someone jello and chopsticks and then sit back and watch the show!

   When it's raining I don't work, when its sunny I don't work, when its cloudy I call in sick!

   Times are tought, jobs are scarce, I know I don't have the greatest body, but for you single ladies, I'll gigolo if the price is right. . .

   Drink like you're not on medication.

   Okay so, last Sunday we all lost an hour. This Sunday, we should all watch NASCAR and lose four.