Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   With all the police and medical shows taking over primetime TV, you figured one could skip all of college to be in the field of criminal justice and medical.

   Back to your bridge you evil troll.... your powers dont work here!

   So Andy Murray is out of Wimbledon - he was said to look absolutely distraught. I'm so pleased he's cheered up a bit ......

   that serial killer Raoul Moat has shot and killed 3 people now, One more kill and he'll get a care package, then we're really f**ked.

   a totally down-to-earth chick because, you know...gravity.

   if you can keep your head when all around you are losing thiers...you probably haven't realised what's going on...

   I thought you were maybe kinda cute until you took a call on your Bluetooth Douche Detector.

   Tanning spray ? Reminds me of Snooki just in large size.

   I don't know what makes you dumb.. but it REALLY works..

   it possible that at Brett Favre's age he just keeps forgetting he retired?

   "No offense" means "I'm about to insult you, but don't get mad."

   I'm stripping for her via video chat, but the sound is turned off 'cause her students are taking a test.

   Cancel my subscription....I am done with your issues!

   It's impossible to drop something in your car and it not disappear between the seats.

   If brains were money you'd have to take out a loan to buy a cup of coffee

   I hate people with fake names on facebook... Sorry Jamee Snickers Daughtry and Ashley Snookie Capulto you are now defriended

   My dog is like a member of the family... but I'm not sure which one.

   Ever notice how trying to give your heart to someone who doesn't want it is alot like trying to give medicine to an infant?

   Girls we love for what they are; men for what they promise to be.

   I'm my best friend, and I'm my worst enemy