Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Caffeine and nicotine; breakfast of champions!

   miss being a kid. No one cared how you dressed, we were all friends, and you could be yourself. When did we turn so judgmental?

   I changed my name in my friend's phone to "Marty McFly." Sent him a text saying "We've gotta go back to 1955!" He hasn't texted me back.

   embarrssed when I think how immature I used to be. However that was in my younger days so I shouldn't be too hard on myeself. I said 'hard on' hahhahahahahaha

   Some drink at the fountain of knowledge. Others just gargle.

   Society needs both optimists and pessimists. For example, an optimist invented the airplane while a pessimist invented the parachute.

   If I ever end up missing, please put my picture on a bottle of whiskey and not a milk carton, because I want fun people to find me.

   Uhh Sorry Mom & Dad, but I don't think washing behind my ears was the most important place to get cleaned..

   sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.

   Caution: Was produced on machines that also process nuts

   My mother sent me a private message on fb, telling me that I shouldn't post things that some people might find offensive. after much soul searching I had to do the right thing, so I unfriended her !

   You don't have to swim faster than the shark, just faster than the guy next to you.

   Liking your own status on Facebook is like giving yourself a high five in public...not a good look.

   What's hard and hairy on the outside, soft and wet in the middle, that starts with a C and ends in a T? A coconut silly.

   waiting for an orgy on monday.....when everyone will get screwed as soon as the results are declared...

   I got food poisoning today. I don't know when I'll use it.

   "1 2 3 4, I declare a tongue war!" seems like it would be an awesome pick up line but it's not. Trust me.

   I have found that 99% of the time, the book is better than the movie. The 1% that is not, is porn.

   This one time, at band camp....I beat a kid unconscious with a trumpet for constantly quoting a movie from over 10 years ago.

   Game set match = tennis : set match run = arson.