Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   waiting for an orgy on monday.....when everyone will get screwed as soon as the results are declared...

   I have found that 99% of the time, the book is better than the movie. The 1% that is not, is porn.

   This one time, at band camp....I beat a kid unconscious with a trumpet for constantly quoting a movie from over 10 years ago.

   My mother sent me a private message on fb, telling me that I shouldn't post things that some people might find offensive. after much soul searching I had to do the right thing, so I unfriended her !

   You don't have to swim faster than the shark, just faster than the guy next to you.

   Liking your own status on Facebook is like giving yourself a high five in public...not a good look.

   I got food poisoning today. I don't know when I'll use it.

   "1 2 3 4, I declare a tongue war!" seems like it would be an awesome pick up line but it's not. Trust me.

   So Andy Murray is out of Wimbledon - he was said to look absolutely distraught. I'm so pleased he's cheered up a bit ......

   that serial killer Raoul Moat has shot and killed 3 people now, One more kill and he'll get a care package, then we're really f**ked.

   a totally down-to-earth chick because, you know...gravity.

   if you can keep your head when all around you are losing thiers...you probably haven't realised what's going on...

   I thought you were maybe kinda cute until you took a call on your Bluetooth Douche Detector.

   Tanning spray ? Reminds me of Snooki just in large size.

   I don't know what makes you dumb.. but it REALLY works..

   it possible that at Brett Favre's age he just keeps forgetting he retired?

   A fine head of hair adds beauty to a good face, and terror to an ugly one.

   If you want to look young and thin, hang around old fat people.

   If women did not exist, all of the money in the world would have no meaning.

   One should always be in love, this is the reason one should never marry