Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   How great will it be when Trump steps up to the podium after accepting the Republican nomination and says "Live from New York, it's Saturday night"....

   I downloaded the TED CRUZ 2016 APP, but all I got was reruns of the MUNSTERS

   In an effort to help keep the media from miss identifying guns... Websters has agreed to change the word "Firearm" to "AR-15"...

   "He's alright when you get to know him" .. Translation:.. "He's a twat, but you'll get used to him"

   Your girlfriend could be in the jaws of a shark and just because she's mad at you she'll say "I'm fine"

   When a pizza guy comes to my door, I like to answer wearing the same uniform as him and holding a pizza.....and then insist that he called me

   Anyone who wants to be successful in old age has to start young.

   On this night 30 years ago, I found out that wrecking on roller skates while wearing parachute pants was no bueno.

   I wish boobs did the bra thing without having to wear the bra

   I drove by a house today that had about 15 of those inflatable Christmas lawn decorations. In the daytime it looks like there was a drive by shooting in the North Pole and there were no survivors.

   a pessimist sees the glass half empty. a possumist sees the glass as a giant possum. sometimes jokes don't make much sense.

   Heard Dominos is coming out with a pizza in honour of Tom Brady...one half of its covered and its called the "incomplete"...

   My New Year's resolution was to lose 15 lbs by the middle of February. I have 20 lbs. to go.

   Cheerleaders who scream "Give me a D" have no idea what they are asking for.

   Before you decide to spend the rest of your life with somebody, watch them load a dishwasher.

   Could you imagine knowing someone interesting enough to actually want to talk on the phone? Me neither.

   Clapping is just high-fiving yourself for someone else's accomplishments.

   has been told by many I need to watch my language on Facebook. So for everyone that doesn't like my language, "coitus you."

   Never get directions from the illiterate. "Turn left on Cave" is actually, "turn left on C Ave."

   Officer I know I ran that red light but it's okay, I'll just stop twice at the next one. Are we cool?