Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Your girlfriend could be in the jaws of a shark and just because she's mad at you she'll say "I'm fine"

   When a pizza guy comes to my door, I like to answer wearing the same uniform as him and holding a pizza.....and then insist that he called me

   Anyone who wants to be successful in old age has to start young.

   On this night 30 years ago, I found out that wrecking on roller skates while wearing parachute pants was no bueno.

   Before you decide to spend the rest of your life with somebody, watch them load a dishwasher.

   Could you imagine knowing someone interesting enough to actually want to talk on the phone? Me neither.

   Clapping is just high-fiving yourself for someone else's accomplishments.

   If I hit the powerball this week the first thing I'm buying is a pot to piss in I've always wanted one of those

   Under 'medical history', we were hoping for something more specific to you personally... You wrote "Fleming discovered penicillin in 1928".

   Tinder girls. "Not looking for hook ups" (best joke I've read in a while)

   Keep in mind that: 🍟 fries 🍔 burger 🍕 pizza 🍝 spaghetti 🍩 donut 🍦 ice cream 🎂 cake 🍫 chocolates will never break your ❤

   Why does lemonade contain artificial flavors and furniture polish contain real lemons?

   How great will it be when Trump steps up to the podium after accepting the Republican nomination and says "Live from New York, it's Saturday night"....

   I downloaded the TED CRUZ 2016 APP, but all I got was reruns of the MUNSTERS

   has been told by many I need to watch my language on Facebook. So for everyone that doesn't like my language, "coitus you."

   Never get directions from the illiterate. "Turn left on Cave" is actually, "turn left on C Ave."

   Officer I know I ran that red light but it's okay, I'll just stop twice at the next one. Are we cool?

   Romeo and Juliet are morons for listening to thier hormones. and the fact the world romantizes this story is beyoned comprehension then again, Twilight proves that the romanticization of stupid teenage obsession is still alive and well

   The sign says "Smoke Free" That's Good.. I hate the places that charge you to smoke!!!

   theres no time for pants!