Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   How much for the angry lawn gnome? Hey, that's my toddler.

   Your password must contain at least 8 letters, a capital, a plot, a protagonist with good character development, a twist and a happy ending

   If I hit the powerball this week the first thing I'm buying is a pot to piss in I've always wanted one of those

   Under 'medical history', we were hoping for something more specific to you personally... You wrote "Fleming discovered penicillin in 1928".

   Tinder girls. "Not looking for hook ups" (best joke I've read in a while)

   Keep in mind that: 🍟 fries 🍔 burger 🍕 pizza 🍝 spaghetti 🍩 donut 🍦 ice cream 🎂 cake 🍫 chocolates will never break your ❤

   Why does lemonade contain artificial flavors and furniture polish contain real lemons?

   How great will it be when Trump steps up to the podium after accepting the Republican nomination and says "Live from New York, it's Saturday night"....

   I downloaded the TED CRUZ 2016 APP, but all I got was reruns of the MUNSTERS

   In an effort to help keep the media from miss identifying guns... Websters has agreed to change the word "Firearm" to "AR-15"...

   "He's alright when you get to know him" .. Translation:.. "He's a twat, but you'll get used to him"

   Your girlfriend could be in the jaws of a shark and just because she's mad at you she'll say "I'm fine"

   When a pizza guy comes to my door, I like to answer wearing the same uniform as him and holding a pizza.....and then insist that he called me

   Anyone who wants to be successful in old age has to start young.

   On this night 30 years ago, I found out that wrecking on roller skates while wearing parachute pants was no bueno.

   I wish boobs did the bra thing without having to wear the bra

   I drove by a house today that had about 15 of those inflatable Christmas lawn decorations. In the daytime it looks like there was a drive by shooting in the North Pole and there were no survivors.

   a pessimist sees the glass half empty. a possumist sees the glass as a giant possum. sometimes jokes don't make much sense.

   Heard Dominos is coming out with a pizza in honour of Tom Brady...one half of its covered and its called the "incomplete"...

   My New Year's resolution was to lose 15 lbs by the middle of February. I have 20 lbs. to go.