Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   How did Mexico keep enough people from crossing the border to field a full soccer team?

   The main difference between The North and The South is, that in The North, "Blow Pop" is a noun, not a verb.

   Tina you Fat lard come get some dinner

   Ghetto Word of the Day: DECIDE. Usage: “My boy Trey is fronting like he love his girl, but errbody know he got a couple of chicks on decide”.

   Came home to find my gf lying on the bed in crotchless panties. "Hey Baby", she says. "Would you like some of this?" "Hell no!!" , is my reply. "Look what it did to your underwear!!!"

   so....I think if you win The Voice, you should get to motorboat Christina Aguilera....but, to be fair, if you lose....you have to motorboat Cee Lo Green....

   Heavy D dies. i'm sure it's a difficult time right now for the two remaining members of Wilson Phillips

   Racism isn't about skin color. It's about behaving like an orangutan amped up on bath salts.

   I just misspelled a word so bad that auto correct blew milk out its nose.

   Lady in labor, shouting the usual sh!t, “Get this out of me! Give me the drugs!” She turns to her boyfriend and says, “You did this to me, you f&cker!” He casually replies, “If you remember, I wanted to stick it up your a$$, but you said, ‘f&c

   Ice Bucket Challenge = Monkey see Monkey Do

   How many weight watchers points are pot brownies?

   The worst thing about finishing on a girl's face is how angry they get when they wake up.

   Wonder if Hillary is feeling lonely now that nobody cares about her emails or how corrupt she is?

   That uncomfortable moment at a feminist picnic when they realize no one made any sammiches.

   Hmmm ...Tuesday Bill Clinton has secret meeting on private jet with Attorney General Loretta Lynch, On Thursday The Attorney General has ALL Clinton Foundation emails sealed until 2018. Coincidence? or is it time to wake up to the corrupting of America!!

   Everyone's an atheist until they clog the toilet in someone else's house.

   DATING TIP: make sure your girlfriend knows that you're dating her.

   Every wife is a "Mistress" for her husband. "Miss" for one hour and "Stress" for the 23 hours.

   " I feel like a million bucks." -Billionaire having a crappy day.