Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Killing two pigs with one bird!

   Panties aren't a mans best friend, but they are next to it.

   I always respond by saying "wet" when people ask me how the water is.

   The best enemy maker on earth: Facebook & Internet!

   No, but I do kiss YOUR mother with this mouth.

   I bet you wish you could cut and paste a brain into your head.

   one beer short of a six pack

   My home is in Heaven, I'm just traveling through this world....

   Not making a Mexican joke today was one of my Gooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooals

   The OJ trial started the Kardashian tradition of getting black guys off

   think of a number, double it, add six, half it, take away the number you started with, your answer is three

   the pill is the second best thing a girl can put in her mouth to avoid pregnecy....

   I keep seeing these commercials for Coors beer with the cans that have these blue bars on them that tell you when they are cold. Back in my drinking days, I just felt the can. Are people really that stupid these days?

   How did Mexico keep enough people from crossing the border to field a full soccer team?

   The main difference between The North and The South is, that in The North, "Blow Pop" is a noun, not a verb.

   Tina you Fat lard come get some dinner

   Ghetto Word of the Day: DECIDE. Usage: “My boy Trey is fronting like he love his girl, but errbody know he got a couple of chicks on decide”.

   Came home to find my gf lying on the bed in crotchless panties. "Hey Baby", she says. "Would you like some of this?" "Hell no!!" , is my reply. "Look what it did to your underwear!!!"

   so....I think if you win The Voice, you should get to motorboat Christina Aguilera....but, to be fair, if you lose....you have to motorboat Cee Lo Green....

   Heavy D dies. i'm sure it's a difficult time right now for the two remaining members of Wilson Phillips