Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I was going to watch the new Jersey Shore season but decided it would be easier on my eyes to just pull them out of their sockets with a pair of pliers.

   I'd tell you what I'm doing but I've learned from other evil villains not to announce my plans first.

   starting a new cult for idiots and making Kool Aid

   wondering if Hootie and the Blowfish had another name in mind in case that was one taken

   Ent*tlement Programs are nothing but a massive ‘Ponzi' scheme that has been perpetrated on the American worker

   Facebook is a distraction - an attractive waste of time. That's what I love most about it.

   so jobless that he's replying every spam message

   thanking Don Cornelius for startting off Black History Month with a bang.

   just watched Whitney Houston's funeral on DVR... is it just me, or did her performance seem a bit stiff?

   So for everyone planning on drinking and then driving tonight- Do me a favor please. Go full speed, no seatbelt, and hit the first pole, tree or wall you see. Kill yourself, not an innocent child or someone who doesnt need to drink to have a good

   How am I suppose to know that you're happy and you know it if you don't clap your hands?

   - If round pegs fit in round holes, and square pegs fit in square holes, why isnt my c*ck shaped like an axe?

   Drama = Dumb Retard Asking for More Attention

   Unless you fell off the treadmill and smacked your head...no one wants to hear about your workout

   If America was a car, our "Check President" warning light would be on!!

   It would be really funny if the GPS changed voices depending on what part of town you are in. YOOO Man, Yawll enturrin da ghetto! teerrrn leffft and' hit up tha likor store beeotch! Nah Nah Nah Nah Yawll misst da teeern. You are reallly dumm. Fur reel.

   - What do women and clouds have in common? Occasionally they f*ck off and it's a really nice day.

   A friend of mine bought an iPod Touch. I checked it out... It's just like an iPhone, but you can't make calls. No wait, it's exactly like an iPhone.

   Saw a sign at the hospital that said "Family Planning.... Use Rear Entrance". I thought it was good advice.

   You know what I've noticed? I've never seen a pregnant Chinese lady. O_o