Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   A key ring is a handy little gadget that allows you to lose all your keys at once.

   If time travel were possible, my future self would've put a stop to that one girl from making those horrible songs. You know who I'm talking about, that Justin Beiber chick...

   I was going to watch the new Jersey Shore season but decided it would be easier on my eyes to just pull them out of their sockets with a pair of pliers.

   I'd tell you what I'm doing but I've learned from other evil villains not to announce my plans first.

   starting a new cult for idiots and making Kool Aid

   wondering if Hootie and the Blowfish had another name in mind in case that was one taken

   Ent*tlement Programs are nothing but a massive ‘Ponzi' scheme that has been perpetrated on the American worker

   Facebook is a distraction - an attractive waste of time. That's what I love most about it.

   received a drinking game for Christmas from the woman that used to be my therapist. She told me once I had a drinking problem… Job Security maybe?

   Why is it the windshield washer sprayer only freezes over when you most need it?

   Was told I am a naive realist...from what I can see they are wrong

   "my #1 New Year's Resolution is to make sure that my New Year's Resolution list does NOT expire in about a month.."

   The optimist sees opportunity in every danger; the pessimist sees danger in every opportunity.

   "Cheese… milk's leap toward immortality."

   if the olympics had a gold medal for procastination...i'd probably win it...but i'd go recieve it later ;)

   Wow was that Griswold family driving down the wrong lane into oncoming traffic driving the Wagon Queen Family Truckster on 95 yesterday

   I got to get my life on track if I still expect Elton John to change the lyrics of "Candle in the Wind" for me.

   They don't surprise the winner of the Retirement Home's Man of the year anymore.... That's how they lost last year's winner

   so jobless that he's replying every spam message

   thanking Don Cornelius for startting off Black History Month with a bang.