Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   "Cheese… milk's leap toward immortality."

   if the olympics had a gold medal for procastination...i'd probably win it...but i'd go recieve it later ;)

   there should be a happy hr during the work day whos on board

   Everybody knows that couple that should've broken up sixteen times already because they fight like kangaroos. "We're workin' it out" they alway say. Ummm no. You're "workin' it in."

   .If you ever start to feel good about humanity, just spend five minutes in a Trader Joe's parking lot.

   Who thought it was a good idea to make commercials 5 minutes longer than the actual show you are watching?

   thinks that time flies when you're having a drunken blackout.

   Wow was that Griswold family driving down the wrong lane into oncoming traffic driving the Wagon Queen Family Truckster on 95 yesterday

   I got to get my life on track if I still expect Elton John to change the lyrics of "Candle in the Wind" for me.

   They don't surprise the winner of the Retirement Home's Man of the year anymore.... That's how they lost last year's winner

   so jobless that he's replying every spam message

   thanking Don Cornelius for startting off Black History Month with a bang.

   just watched Whitney Houston's funeral on DVR... is it just me, or did her performance seem a bit stiff?

   So for everyone planning on drinking and then driving tonight- Do me a favor please. Go full speed, no seatbelt, and hit the first pole, tree or wall you see. Kill yourself, not an innocent child or someone who doesnt need to drink to have a good

   How am I suppose to know that you're happy and you know it if you don't clap your hands?

   - If round pegs fit in round holes, and square pegs fit in square holes, why isnt my c*ck shaped like an axe?

   Drama = Dumb Retard Asking for More Attention

   Unless you fell off the treadmill and smacked your head...no one wants to hear about your workout

   If America was a car, our "Check President" warning light would be on!!

   It would be really funny if the GPS changed voices depending on what part of town you are in. YOOO Man, Yawll enturrin da ghetto! teerrrn leffft and' hit up tha likor store beeotch! Nah Nah Nah Nah Yawll misst da teeern. You are reallly dumm. Fur reel.