Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   My Smart Phone has more computing power than NASA did in 1969 and they went to the moon. All I do is play Angry Birds. Yes, I'm an underachiever.

   We're sorry, but this funny p0st is not available from your country.

   Making home made Pop Tarts. I almost have it down, but getting the filling down to a thickness of 1/1,000,000 of an inch is becoming quite a challenge.

   we only have 4 months left of this year, and if that doesn't freak you out you're lying

   Judging by my friends getting married, finding your soulmate must make you fat.

   And A Big shout out to any FBI, CIA Or government office who happen to have me on some watch list, F*U* !

   It's a big turn off when a woman takes out a restraining order against you... but it's definitely not a deal breaker.

   If a relationship is when you think about them when they're far & you never want to leave them, then I'm in a relationship...with my bed.

   When I can't fall asleep, instead of counting sheep, I count all the people I have disappointed.

   Yes I’m the ugly friend who gets cropped out of Facebook profile pictures.

   No we are not on different wavelengths. Don't blame physics when you're stupid.

   I have a confession to make, but I don't think any of you here are priests.

   Sorry if I hit a nerve, I was aiming for your jugular.

   On Facebook, One man's trash is another man's steady source of naked pictures.

   They say you should dress for the job you want, which is why I'm wearing boxers shorts and a heavy scent of bourbon.

   Now there is some minister in Missouri setting up a "toy" gun buyback program.. I'm sure all the old folks are gonna be happy this summer when they are spared from being victimized by random squirt gun fire....

   Just experienced that rare moment when you flip your hoody up just right and realize that if ever called upon you could wield a light saber and take orders from a little green creature with big ears.....

   Blood is thicker than water but chocolate is thicker than both of them.

   Well St Patrick's Day is finally over, or as I know it as the day I found out that not all midgets are magical

   Everyone be quiet for a minute. A stupid person's trying to think of something clever to say.