Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   My dirty mind gets me into trouble, my body often joins in.

   I'm pretty sure the dirty looks your wife gives you are not the looks you married her for.

   Nice try, Olympic skiers. I've been going downhill without skis or poles for years.

   Have you tried throwing a tantrum?.

   Throwing a surprise party for my girlfriend so just remember that on the count of three we all yell "SURPRISE YOU'RE BEN''S GIRLFRIEND"

   I dreamt I had a sh*tty life. I woke up and I have sh*tty life. So dreams do come true, kids.

   You are intriguing. You require further stalking, sorry I mean investigation.

   Kendall Jenner bought her own apartment for $1.4 million and I'm out here struggling to buy a Naked juice for $3

   Nice try whatsapp but I still don't feel bad about ignoring people's messages.

   Did you know that the average person gains 4 pounds between Thanksgiving and Christmas? Good thing my mom told me I would never be average.

   Guys; if she stops responding to your messages for days, 100% of the time it's a technical problem. Keep trying.

   Ever danced so badly that the dog dry heaved?... * Asking for a friend.

   While drunk me would love to grab your butt...sober me would probably agree

   Wife: how did you get all that dirt under your fingernails? Me: it's brownies.

   If you'd like to be left alone just carry a doll everywhere you go.

   I got a Valentine Day card that kind of creeped me out today....... It was from my proctologist.

   Okay, I'm just going to admit it. I'm kinda disappointed this "Friends Day" video that everyone is posting has absolutely nothing to do with Jennifer Aniston. #mycelebritycrush

   Sometimes I fantasize about being a Golden Retriever in an upper class family.

   Girl Guides selling cookies: America's most successful crack dealers.

   Shoot!!! I didn't know February 6th was National Lame Duck Day.