Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   You are intriguing. You require further stalking, sorry I mean investigation.

   Kendall Jenner bought her own apartment for $1.4 million and I'm out here struggling to buy a Naked juice for $3

   Nice try whatsapp but I still don't feel bad about ignoring people's messages.

   Did you know that the average person gains 4 pounds between Thanksgiving and Christmas? Good thing my mom told me I would never be average.

   Guys; if she stops responding to your messages for days, 100% of the time it's a technical problem. Keep trying.

   Ever danced so badly that the dog dry heaved?... * Asking for a friend.

   While drunk me would love to grab your butt...sober me would probably agree

   Wife: how did you get all that dirt under your fingernails? Me: it's brownies.

   If you'd like to be left alone just carry a doll everywhere you go.

   I got a Valentine Day card that kind of creeped me out today....... It was from my proctologist.

   Okay, I'm just going to admit it. I'm kinda disappointed this "Friends Day" video that everyone is posting has absolutely nothing to do with Jennifer Aniston. #mycelebritycrush

   Sometimes I fantasize about being a Golden Retriever in an upper class family.

   Girl Guides selling cookies: America's most successful crack dealers.

   Shoot!!! I didn't know February 6th was National Lame Duck Day.

   I need to lose 20 pounds, make $30,000 and sleep for 4 days all before tomorrow.

   As a little joke I put glitter in my tax-return envelope and the IRS responded with a little joke that I owe $ 11,000 in back taxes.

   Treat others how you'd like to be treated.... That's right McDonalds, So give me more frigging sauce for my McNuggets

   The only exercise I have done this month is running out of money.

   Dogs: I had sex with your pillow all night.

   Shoutout to all the girls who are curled up in a ball in their bed waiting for that goodnight text. Go to sleep, cuz he doesn't love you....