Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Free to a good home. My Bill Cosby vinyl collection.

   Stop talking about the Royal Wedding, your cats are sick of hearing about it.

   I know how to save 'Roseanne'. Name it 'Dan'.

   wife: I just got stung by a jellyfish. quick, pee on it me: [peeing on jellyfish] this is for stinging my wife

   Always plan ahead...... It wasn't raining when Noah built the ark.

   Everyone's a submissive if you squeeze their throat hard enough.

   If athletes get athlete's foot and tennis players get tennis elbow. What do gynecologists get........ Tunnel vision.

   My neighborhood barber just got arrested for selling drugs. I've been his customer for 5 years. I had no idea he was a barber.

   It takes raw talent to make sushi.

   What are children born in a brothel called? Brothel sprouts.

   Counting to ten when you are angry always works better if you are counting punches to somebody's face.

   I can take either sugar, Sweet n Low, Splenda or Stevia in my coffee. You could say I'm ambidexrose.

   If you don't need to change your shirt after eating a hot dog you're not doing it right!

   "What's the new baby's name?" "We don't know..we can't understand a word he says!"

   My piano playing must be improving, as my neighbours have broken all my windows so they can hear me better!!

   Did I already post my Alzheimer's status?

   Flat Earthers are really good at making me feel smart

   Rihanna turned down an opportunity to headline the halftime show at #SuperBowlLIII how ever they can still broadcast it on her forehead

   So what if I can’t spell Armaggedon? … it’s not the end of the world.

   Sometimes it feels like my only goal in life is just to wake up once a day.