Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   You can't say $1200 ain't sh*t if you qualify for the $1200...

   OK, I can understand why you're mad at me, but the horse I rode in on had nothing to do with it.

   Ah memory impairment...the free prize at the bottom of every vodka bottle

   I miss the days when my work wife and my wife wife were different people.

   I wash my hands at least 5 times a day. But not because of the Coronavirus. I own a Volkswagen.

   Would taping or gluing my mustache and beard together meet mask requirements?

   Hear me out: Instead of The Bachelor giving out roses to the women, he gives them each a roll of toilet paper. This is where we’re at, people.

   If I die at the begining of the month after paying my rent, they better sit me on the couch till the 30th!!

   Blessed are the agoraphobic, for they shall inherit the earth

   Hotels, holiday resorts, airports and restaurants should just go ahead an employ a full time professional photographer to take people's pics they can post on their Facebook walls.

   I cant wait till the "Holiday season" at work is over so I can find a new reason not to do anything around the house

   With everyone off work on this first day of the New Year good reason to stay in bed and enjoy your New Years Hump Day!

   I can't wait for my gold medal in not murdering anyone today.

   Sooner or later I’m going to sleep with the wrong woman and wind up dead…or worse married.

   I'm thinking about asking Nicholas Cage to be in my daughter's Christmas play for $15 and lunch

   What do you mean you misunderstood the tone of my text? I put a sad smiley face at the end of it, didn't I?

   Sometimes it feels like my only goal in life is just to wake up once a day.

   My dirty mind gets me into trouble, my body often joins in.

   I'm pretty sure the dirty looks your wife gives you are not the looks you married her for.

   Nice try, Olympic skiers. I've been going downhill without skis or poles for years.