Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   It takes raw talent to make sushi.

   What are children born in a brothel called? Brothel sprouts.

   Counting to ten when you are angry always works better if you are counting punches to somebody's face.

   I can take either sugar, Sweet n Low, Splenda or Stevia in my coffee. You could say I'm ambidexrose.

   If you don't need to change your shirt after eating a hot dog you're not doing it right!

   "What's the new baby's name?" "We don't know..we can't understand a word he says!"

   My piano playing must be improving, as my neighbours have broken all my windows so they can hear me better!!

   Did I already post my Alzheimer's status?

   Flat Earthers are really good at making me feel smart

   Rihanna turned down an opportunity to headline the halftime show at #SuperBowlLIII how ever they can still broadcast it on her forehead

   So what if I can’t spell Armaggedon? … it’s not the end of the world.

   My new voicemail message: "For instructions in English, select one. Para instrucciones en español, por favor desconecte, aprenda a decir la lengua inglesa, llamar otra vez why seleccionar número uno."

   Mueller, what the hell!?!?

   setting a liar's pants on fire considered arson? Asking for a friend.

   Any single women looking to sexually abuse a grown man, asking for a friend. . .

   I went to the Grocery store and saw that Duracell batteries were on sale just before Valentine's Day. These guys are marketing genius

   At my job, I have 500 people under me. I'm a security guard at a cemetery.

   My wife could get a job in earthquake prediction. She can find a fault quicker than anyone.

   Mom: clean up ur room! We're having guests over for dinner. Boy: sorry, I didn't realize we were having dinner in my room

   I am making an omelet out of Cadbury Eggs and jellybeans.