Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Rihanna turned down an opportunity to headline the halftime show at #SuperBowlLIII how ever they can still broadcast it on her forehead

   So what if I can’t spell Armaggedon? … it’s not the end of the world.

   My new voicemail message: "For instructions in English, select one. Para instrucciones en español, por favor desconecte, aprenda a decir la lengua inglesa, llamar otra vez why seleccionar número uno."

   Mueller, what the hell!?!?

   setting a liar's pants on fire considered arson? Asking for a friend.

   Any single women looking to sexually abuse a grown man, asking for a friend. . .

   I went to the Grocery store and saw that Duracell batteries were on sale just before Valentine's Day. These guys are marketing genius

   At my job, I have 500 people under me. I'm a security guard at a cemetery.

   My wife could get a job in earthquake prediction. She can find a fault quicker than anyone.

   Mom: clean up ur room! We're having guests over for dinner. Boy: sorry, I didn't realize we were having dinner in my room

   I am making an omelet out of Cadbury Eggs and jellybeans.

   Me: [looking thru fridge] there's nothing to eat in here Mortician: I know right

   Sometimes it feels like my only goal in life is just to wake up once a day.

   My dirty mind gets me into trouble, my body often joins in.

   I'm pretty sure the dirty looks your wife gives you are not the looks you married her for.

   Nice try, Olympic skiers. I've been going downhill without skis or poles for years.

   Have you tried throwing a tantrum?.

   Throwing a surprise party for my girlfriend so just remember that on the count of three we all yell "SURPRISE YOU'RE BEN''S GIRLFRIEND"

   I dreamt I had a sh*tty life. I woke up and I have sh*tty life. So dreams do come true, kids.

   You are intriguing. You require further stalking, sorry I mean investigation.