Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   My dog just ate one of my earbuds gonna blast metal until I get it back

   The creepy Dyson guy is trying to sell me a bagless dream catcher.

   This household only uses the finest of cat hair on its sandwiches.

   Momma, I hid my milk! -A Parenting Horror Story

   why is Charmin trying to get us comfortable with bears? HELLO THEY EAT PEOPLE

   Me: oh the usual- just shedding some skin cells and still fascinated with champagne bubbles and tree bark. Friend: why can’t you ever just say “fine thanks”?

   I was conceived at a Pink Floyd concert, and while I’ve gone on with my life, my parents are still there waiting for them to finish playing Dark Side of the Moon.

   If by “living off the grid” you mean never giving retailers my correct email, then yeah, that’s totally me.

   Anyone know any jokes I could tell without losing 10 Facebook friends?

   2022 is going to be my year, I can just feel it!

   Happy 2021 New Year to all of you who will be staying home in your pajamas eating snacks on New Year's Eve, just like any other year.

   I shrunk my husband’s hoodie in the dryer, so now I have to convince him that he gained 30 pounds overnight to hide my mistake.

   By unsubscribe, you are implying that I subscribed in the first place. You subscribed me, now you unsubscribe me.

   Just in. Anthony Weiner sends apology sext to entire Clinton campaign.

   If you hear a loud, frustrated sigh carried by the wind tonight, it's me casting my early vote.

   Question: "How many clowns does it take to elect a crappy President?" Answer: "We'll Find out on Tuesday!!!!"

   I'm so excited to watch the season finale of America tonight.

   Pick-of-the-Day Special. An egotistical idiot OR WWIII. Choose wisely.

   The polls show Hillary has an 87% chance of going to prison after tonight.

   DO YOU THINK BILL CLINTON HAS BEEN HIDING FROM HIS WIFE ALL DAY!