Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   My brother took going to jail really badly. He refused food, drinks. He spat and swore at anyone who came near him and started throwing things everywhere. After that we NEVER played monopoly again.

   Sheldon Cooper has scored more than Ohio State did last night

   Give people who call with a private number a dose of their own medicine by knocking on their doors while wearing a mask.

   You made a video of me and my friends? Well Facebook, who told you they are my friends?

   I'm telling you, Godzilla must have feet made of steel. I step on a Lego and can't walk for a month.

   A woman with her tongue pierced reminds me of Microsoft. When you can’t do it right, throw more hardware at it.

   It's International Women's Day. That means only the women with sexy accents right?

   My new voicemail message: "For instructions in English, select one. Para instrucciones en español, por favor desconecte, aprenda a decir la lengua inglesa, llamar otra vez why seleccionar número uno."

   Mueller, what the hell!?!?

   setting a liar's pants on fire considered arson? Asking for a friend.

   Any single women looking to sexually abuse a grown man, asking for a friend. . .

   I went to the Grocery store and saw that Duracell batteries were on sale just before Valentine's Day. These guys are marketing genius

   At my job, I have 500 people under me. I'm a security guard at a cemetery.

   My wife could get a job in earthquake prediction. She can find a fault quicker than anyone.

   Mom: clean up ur room! We're having guests over for dinner. Boy: sorry, I didn't realize we were having dinner in my room

   I am making an omelet out of Cadbury Eggs and jellybeans.

   Me: [looking thru fridge] there's nothing to eat in here Mortician: I know right

   I switch my phone to united airplane mode and now I woke up in a hospital with a headache!

   My favorite part of the day is the sitting down and getting drunk part. Definitely not the crying bit.

   Auto correct is simultaneously my best friend and my worst enema