Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I pretty much have this social distancing thing down to a science. I go out with no pants on. No one comes within 50 feet of me, let alone 6.

   If your blow up dolls nose starts running, she’s not sick she’s full.

   THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I repeat, THIS IS NOT A DRILL! – My dentist, to his trainee hygienist, who keeps passing him the wrong implements.

   It's raining it's pouring and this quarantine is boring.

   Hey, you married people doing okay? I haven't heard "I'm so blessed" or He's my everything" for a few weeks now...

   You can't say $1200 ain't sh*t if you qualify for the $1200...

   OK, I can understand why you're mad at me, but the horse I rode in on had nothing to do with it.

   Ah memory impairment...the free prize at the bottom of every vodka bottle

   I miss the days when my work wife and my wife wife were different people.

   I wash my hands at least 5 times a day. But not because of the Coronavirus. I own a Volkswagen.

   Would taping or gluing my mustache and beard together meet mask requirements?

   Hear me out: Instead of The Bachelor giving out roses to the women, he gives them each a roll of toilet paper. This is where we’re at, people.

   If I die at the begining of the month after paying my rent, they better sit me on the couch till the 30th!!

   Blessed are the agoraphobic, for they shall inherit the earth

   Sure I might have bitten someone today, but they deserved it.

   Scrambled eggs are like regular eggs but their reception is terrible

   Ted Mosby, in the year 2030, told the story of how he met his children’s mother and HE NEVER MENTIONED THE CORONAVIRUS ONCE

   Life is like a helicopter. I don't know how to fly a helicopter.

   My sister’s credit card information was stolen, so being a good sister, I called to see how she was doing and tell her what I purchased at Bloomingdales.

   Apparently pumping to a woman means something entirely different. I thought she meant the gym. I wondered why my cereal tasted funny