Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   If by “living off the grid” you mean never giving retailers my correct email, then yeah, that’s totally me.

   Anyone know any jokes I could tell without losing 10 Facebook friends?

   2022 is going to be my year, I can just feel it!

   Happy 2021 New Year to all of you who will be staying home in your pajamas eating snacks on New Year's Eve, just like any other year.

   I shrunk my husband’s hoodie in the dryer, so now I have to convince him that he gained 30 pounds overnight to hide my mistake.

   By unsubscribe, you are implying that I subscribed in the first place. You subscribed me, now you unsubscribe me.

   Just in. Anthony Weiner sends apology sext to entire Clinton campaign.

   If you hear a loud, frustrated sigh carried by the wind tonight, it's me casting my early vote.

   Question: "How many clowns does it take to elect a crappy President?" Answer: "We'll Find out on Tuesday!!!!"

   I'm so excited to watch the season finale of America tonight.

   Pick-of-the-Day Special. An egotistical idiot OR WWIII. Choose wisely.

   The polls show Hillary has an 87% chance of going to prison after tonight.

   DO YOU THINK BILL CLINTON HAS BEEN HIDING FROM HIS WIFE ALL DAY!

   Ya .... That Supermoon was OK ..... But I was quite disappointed when I realized it didn't even have a cape.

   Kanye West rushed to hospital with suspected ‘dislocated ego’

   Joker: I'm calling DHS, You're endangering a minor... Batman: He's my partner... Joker: Why's he in his underwear?.. Batman: So we match. Look, this isn't about me.

   I'd like to go to Holland someday wooden shoe?

   The ox and lamb kept time?? I'm calling BS on that one...

   Fun Christmas prank: give your mom a new iPhone then refuse to help her set it up

   Some celebrities said they were leaving the country if Trump got elected president. I didn't realize they meant die, Kanye West, we're still waiting...