Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   If your ever wondering who your real friends are on facebook just delete your account and see who calls.

   I'm going bananas! *What I tell my bananas when I'm leaving the house.

   Naked and afraid, but it’s just me getting out of the shower, the door bell ringing and I can’t find a towel.

   I could easily do all my Christmas shopping at the Cracker Barrel gift shop.

   One advantage The Monkees had over The Beatles was the opposable thumb

   By unsubscribe, you are implying that I subscribed in the first place. You subscribed me, now you unsubscribe me.

   Just in. Anthony Weiner sends apology sext to entire Clinton campaign.

   If you hear a loud, frustrated sigh carried by the wind tonight, it's me casting my early vote.

   Question: "How many clowns does it take to elect a crappy President?" Answer: "We'll Find out on Tuesday!!!!"

   I'm so excited to watch the season finale of America tonight.

   Pick-of-the-Day Special. An egotistical idiot OR WWIII. Choose wisely.

   The polls show Hillary has an 87% chance of going to prison after tonight.

   DO YOU THINK BILL CLINTON HAS BEEN HIDING FROM HIS WIFE ALL DAY!

   Ya .... That Supermoon was OK ..... But I was quite disappointed when I realized it didn't even have a cape.

   Kanye West rushed to hospital with suspected ‘dislocated ego’

   Joker: I'm calling DHS, You're endangering a minor... Batman: He's my partner... Joker: Why's he in his underwear?.. Batman: So we match. Look, this isn't about me.

   I'd like to go to Holland someday wooden shoe?

   The ox and lamb kept time?? I'm calling BS on that one...

   Fun Christmas prank: give your mom a new iPhone then refuse to help her set it up

   Some celebrities said they were leaving the country if Trump got elected president. I didn't realize they meant die, Kanye West, we're still waiting...