Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   If you don't need to change your shirt after eating a hot dog you're not doing it right!

   "What's the new baby's name?" "We don't know..we can't understand a word he says!"

   My piano playing must be improving, as my neighbours have broken all my windows so they can hear me better!!

   Did I already post my Alzheimer's status?

   Flat Earthers are really good at making me feel smart

   Rihanna turned down an opportunity to headline the halftime show at #SuperBowlLIII how ever they can still broadcast it on her forehead

   So what if I can’t spell Armaggedon? … it’s not the end of the world.

   Sure I might have bitten someone today, but they deserved it.

   Scrambled eggs are like regular eggs but their reception is terrible

   Ted Mosby, in the year 2030, told the story of how he met his children’s mother and HE NEVER MENTIONED THE CORONAVIRUS ONCE

   Life is like a helicopter. I don't know how to fly a helicopter.

   My sister’s credit card information was stolen, so being a good sister, I called to see how she was doing and tell her what I purchased at Bloomingdales.

   Apparently pumping to a woman means something entirely different. I thought she meant the gym. I wondered why my cereal tasted funny

   My dog just ate one of my earbuds gonna blast metal until I get it back

   The creepy Dyson guy is trying to sell me a bagless dream catcher.

   This household only uses the finest of cat hair on its sandwiches.

   Momma, I hid my milk! -A Parenting Horror Story

   why is Charmin trying to get us comfortable with bears? HELLO THEY EAT PEOPLE

   Me: oh the usual- just shedding some skin cells and still fascinated with champagne bubbles and tree bark. Friend: why can’t you ever just say “fine thanks”?

   I was conceived at a Pink Floyd concert, and while I’ve gone on with my life, my parents are still there waiting for them to finish playing Dark Side of the Moon.