Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Hey, you married people doing okay? I haven't heard "I'm so blessed" or He's my everything" for a few weeks now...

   You can't say $1200 ain't sh*t if you qualify for the $1200...

   OK, I can understand why you're mad at me, but the horse I rode in on had nothing to do with it.

   Ah memory impairment...the free prize at the bottom of every vodka bottle

   I miss the days when my work wife and my wife wife were different people.

   I wash my hands at least 5 times a day. But not because of the Coronavirus. I own a Volkswagen.

   Would taping or gluing my mustache and beard together meet mask requirements?

   Hear me out: Instead of The Bachelor giving out roses to the women, he gives them each a roll of toilet paper. This is where we’re at, people.

   If I die at the begining of the month after paying my rent, they better sit me on the couch till the 30th!!

   Blessed are the agoraphobic, for they shall inherit the earth

   British PhD student Matthew Hedges has been pardoned in the United Arab Emirates! All he has to do is visit the Embassy to pick up his papers!

   I don't know what they paid Tom Hanks to be the conductor on the Polar Express, but I've been on the bus during local school field trips and he ain't making near enough money.

   Billboard is wrong. The hottest single of 2018 is me.

   I prefer a woman to not have six pack abs. I also prefer a woman to not prefer that I have them either.

   My mother in-law is so ugly, even a boiling tea kettle won't give her a whistle.

   Career advice for young people: be born to filthy rich parents.

   Million dollar idea. A new line of make-up called Facebook Filters.

   It's amazing how far humans have come since the caveman days when people used to communicate by writing on walls....oh wait, we still do. Never mind.

   Putin has an amazing slap shot in the hockey game he played. Meaning you'll get slapped and then shot if you don't let him score.

   I start every day with Cap'n Crunch, and end every day with Captain Morgan because apparently I want to be a Pirate..