Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   It's amazing how far humans have come since the caveman days when people used to communicate by writing on walls....oh wait, we still do. Never mind.

   Putin has an amazing slap shot in the hockey game he played. Meaning you'll get slapped and then shot if you don't let him score.

   I start every day with Cap'n Crunch, and end every day with Captain Morgan because apparently I want to be a Pirate..

   If your ever wondering who your real friends are on facebook just delete your account and see who calls.

   I'm going bananas! *What I tell my bananas when I'm leaving the house.

   Naked and afraid, but it’s just me getting out of the shower, the door bell ringing and I can’t find a towel.

   I could easily do all my Christmas shopping at the Cracker Barrel gift shop.

   One advantage The Monkees had over The Beatles was the opposable thumb

   I'm pretty sure Jesus never taught people to only look after themselves and to ignore the poor and hungry.

   This just in… Harry has taken a job at Subway. He will now be referred to as “The Sandwich Artist Formerly Known as Prince”.

   If you can’t afford anal beads eat marbles and wait

   My wife felt me because I’m dyslexic.

   Tip:Don't buy a belt at the zoo, it's just a snake trying to escape.

   What is a cannibal’s favourite sandwich? Kevin Bacon, lettuce, and tomato.

   One time I ran into an old friend and she said "omg you haven't met my baby" and I said "omg I had went to her house with a baby gift and her baby was a damn cat.

   Great... I tried to kill a spider with glitter body spray and it didn't work Now I have a spider that won't stop dancing and insists I call her cinnamon

   Protip: Never take a screenshot with the camera sound on in the restroom at work. You will get strange looks as you exit the stall...

   It took 3 minutes to get my baby out via c-section and yet it takes me a solid 15 minutes to get a toy out of its packaging!?!? Why am I easier to open than a toy?!?

   I pretty much have this social distancing thing down to a science. I go out with no pants on. No one comes within 50 feet of me, let alone 6.

   If your blow up dolls nose starts running, she’s not sick she’s full.