Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   "Is there gonna be food?" "Yup!" "Ok I'm on my way"

   I'm in the " I don't give a sh!t" process mode

   Life is like a box of chocolates. It doesn't do well in a hot car trunk all day.

   When the salesman told me my new 4G smart phone was SUPER fast I didn't know me meant the battery.

   I mean, I held a door open for a guy once, but everybody experiments in college.

   The experts says "don't stare directly into the sun during the Venus transit". Do we really need to be told that? Also, during the Venus transit, don't forget to breathe.

   Why do people live in regular houses,, when there are steakhouses?

   Rodney King was found dead in a swimming pool. Goes to show you kids.....It's hard to snort coke when your underwater.

   Woke up this morning swearing I could smell pancakes, but it seems I was just smellucinating.

   It's so hot outside Mayor Bloomberg drove to New Jersey to get a Big Gulp!

   Say no to drugs. But if the drugs you took are talking to you, then please share them with me.

   Men have "The Man Cave", but, when polled what the female version should be called the #1 answer was "The Maxie Pad" with "The Kitchen" and "The Laundry Room" coming in 2nd and 3rd respectively

   There has to come a point in my life where I'm standing on a hillside, watching a village I ravaged burn to the ground, laughing maniacally.

   well... it's about that time to give my pillow some head

   After I shave I look twenty hours younger

   Never make the same mistake twice, There are so many new ones, Try a different one each day

   still rockin the kids table!

   I can't stand people who drink and wanna be all extra chatty or whiny just drink, get drunk, stfu and be happy.

   ‎"My fingers smell like cheeseburger" is a statement that is bound to confuse others unless prefaced with a statement about having just eaten a cheeseburger. Otherwise, they just look at you like you're dirty.

   I sent out a text message saying "hey I lost my phone can you call it?" 7 people called...damn it I need some smarter friends!