Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   It's so hot outside Mayor Bloomberg drove to New Jersey to get a Big Gulp!

   Say no to drugs. But if the drugs you took are talking to you, then please share them with me.

   Men have "The Man Cave", but, when polled what the female version should be called the #1 answer was "The Maxie Pad" with "The Kitchen" and "The Laundry Room" coming in 2nd and 3rd respectively

   There has to come a point in my life where I'm standing on a hillside, watching a village I ravaged burn to the ground, laughing maniacally.

   well... it's about that time to give my pillow some head

   After I shave I look twenty hours younger

   Never make the same mistake twice, There are so many new ones, Try a different one each day

   still rockin the kids table!

   I can't stand people who drink and wanna be all extra chatty or whiny just drink, get drunk, stfu and be happy.

   ‎"My fingers smell like cheeseburger" is a statement that is bound to confuse others unless prefaced with a statement about having just eaten a cheeseburger. Otherwise, they just look at you like you're dirty.

   I sent out a text message saying "hey I lost my phone can you call it?" 7 people called...damn it I need some smarter friends!

   Kony put infant into infantry

   Facebook account for sale, Friends included & a Girlfriend.

   shoppin for a muggie, its like a snuggie except it has a ski mask sewn on top

   I believe that there will be a war of the sexes one day and the male leader will rally his troops for battle by riding through the ranks shouting, "REMEMBER THE ALIMONYYYYYYYYYYYYYY!!!!!!!!!!

   Crushed ice, needs to be placed higher on a pedastool.

   Fellaz: Commenting on and liking every other half-naked girl's Facebook picture makes you look damn thirsty! Have some dignity or buy some.

   If you have a problem with me, text me. If you don't have my number than that means you don't know me well enough to have a problem with me

   I need a spring loaded bed so if I don't want to get up, it will just throw me out of it.

   Coors Light ships cold straight from the factory. I wish other water companies would do the same.