Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I tell people secrets, it makes them like me.

   Take the name of your first pet and the name of the street you grew up on and you get your "I like to play dumb games" name.

   Was filling up my vehicle and started yelling "FIRE! FIRE!". The attendant came running out to help, "there's no fire". "I know...but I read somewhere that no one comes to help when you're being raped"

   They deployed on Osama the minute he "checked in" to the mansion.... Well played Facebook.......

   Shout out to all the moms who spent their whole Mother's Day thinking and worrying, "If this dummy ever asks for a paternity test, I can kiss the good life goodbye”

   Ask me about our "blowj*bs for drinks program"

   WOW! I knew you had bad intentions, but I never figured you to be a slut...

   All true wisdom is found on T-Shirts

   The good news: The ROGAINE® is working! The bad news: The new hair looks like pubes!

   Should I wear my top up... or down ... or up... or possibly... tucked in?

   Life is short, live it. Love is rare, grab it. Anger is bad, dump it. Fear is awful, face it. Memories are sweet, cherish them.

   I trust you but that doesn't mean jealousy won't exist anymore.

   As a parent, I appreciate how Sesame Street glosses over the Count killing and feeding upon other muppets to survive.

   And how come there's never a garage actually for sale at all those garage sales?

   Finally some "CHANGE" we can sink our teeth into. Chicken and Waffles at the I-Hop!

   ■Dogs are tough. I've been interrogating this one for hours and he still won't tell me who a good boy is

   You can rely on me. I'm married, I'm trained to follow orders

   High heels were invented by a woman who had been kissed on the forehead.

   I keep telling my friends, "Stop being so sexist....don't you know broads hate that?"

   The only way this middle seat could be more uncomfortable is if the in-flight movie were "Your Parents Doing It: A Documentary"