Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Life is short, live it. Love is rare, grab it. Anger is bad, dump it. Fear is awful, face it. Memories are sweet, cherish them.

   I trust you but that doesn't mean jealousy won't exist anymore.

   As a parent, I appreciate how Sesame Street glosses over the Count killing and feeding upon other muppets to survive.

   And how come there's never a garage actually for sale at all those garage sales?

   Finally some "CHANGE" we can sink our teeth into. Chicken and Waffles at the I-Hop!

   ■Dogs are tough. I've been interrogating this one for hours and he still won't tell me who a good boy is

   You can rely on me. I'm married, I'm trained to follow orders

   High heels were invented by a woman who had been kissed on the forehead.

   I keep telling my friends, "Stop being so sexist....don't you know broads hate that?"

   The only way this middle seat could be more uncomfortable is if the in-flight movie were "Your Parents Doing It: A Documentary"

   I don't see it so much as a cushion. For me it's more of a fart-absorbing device.

   Shopping when hungry means you end up buying food you will regret. You should apply the same rule for not being too horny when going to the clubs and bars.

   bacterial outbreak stemming from the playboy mansion? I think thats called an STD!

   Why didn't they just kill Gilligan on Gilligan's Island? If he hadn't screwed crap up, they could've been off that damn island years before. And what's with Skipper? You don't get that fat eating coconuts. That fat ba$tard is hiding something.

   Just learned that tigers don't eat Frosted Flakes. Now I'm questioning whether they're even gr-r-reat. I don't know what to believe anymore.

   Today is National Margarita Day, however, it is also National Humble Day and National Walk the Dog Day. Guess I will go home and fix a Margarita, hook the dog up to the treadmill and hide in the closet while drinking said Margarita.

   Who needs moving boxes? OH, that's right...the Obamas do.

   Safety pins are for diapers, full of crap

   Dear Misandry. At the height of women workers in WWII it was only 2.2 million out of 103 million jobs. That is 2%. We talking german or asian is a feminist lie. Learn your history.

   They should change the name of Facebook to “whineonline”