Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Due to a Recommended Daily Allowance misprint I've been consuming 12 pounds of magnesium every day since 1988.

   In case anyone was wondering.....I'm wearing Hanes by Target, and a black t-shirt by BC Cotton (with a bacon grease stain on it) #redcarpet

   I had hoped my facebook page wouldn't lead to stalkers, but some girl named Sallie Mae found my number and has been calling me for months.

   All of my selfies are just still shots from surveillance footage.

   The way my boss speaks to me it's as if he doesn't realize I'm an internet phenomenon.

   What is the appropriate gift to give your woman on your 5th year anniversary..... of the restraining order?

   Everyone thinks your crazy, until you say " I learned it Manswers "

   Smith & Wesson: The original point and click interface.

   Without mentioning any names, I know my phone is smarter than some people I know.

   there a mouse that doesn't make a clicking noise as I'm trying to close 10 windows when my boss walks into my office?

   What I told her is "I'm not your type." What I meant is "I'm outta your league."

   the JURY SYSTEM getting criminals off and denying people justice since 19--

   Just when you think you've heard it all, someone comes up with a brand new damn lie.

   I tell people secrets, it makes them like me.

   Take the name of your first pet and the name of the street you grew up on and you get your "I like to play dumb games" name.

   Was filling up my vehicle and started yelling "FIRE! FIRE!". The attendant came running out to help, "there's no fire". "I know...but I read somewhere that no one comes to help when you're being raped"

   They deployed on Osama the minute he "checked in" to the mansion.... Well played Facebook.......

   Shout out to all the moms who spent their whole Mother's Day thinking and worrying, "If this dummy ever asks for a paternity test, I can kiss the good life goodbye”

   Ask me about our "blowj*bs for drinks program"

   WOW! I knew you had bad intentions, but I never figured you to be a slut...