Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Farts are just the ghosts of the things we eat.

   The creator of Mad Libs died... His friends described him as a warm and pulpy man who loved his wife and pelicans. He will be deeply pooped.

   I don't have a secret china bank account anymore because it's no longer a secret.

   Mexican word of the day....HIDE!

   New England Patriots haters be like "I refuse to accept the results of the AFC Championship game. Tomorrow I'll be protesting, picketing, looting, rioting, and forming support groups. #NotMySuperBowl "

   If quitters never win, and winners never quit, what fool came up with, "Quit while you're ahead"?

   hey kids.. go back to MYSPACE!!! FB was created for and is for adults ya know...

   When I say I drive like lightning,it's not because I drive fast. It's because I hit a lot of trees.

   We were all born nudist. I'm thinking of returning to my roots.

   worried that my latest Salvation Army donatin will have tons of women homeless women looking like sluts from the 90's...

   lame...With that mentality come here I'll give you screwed 'til you're the strongest woman ever!

   This other dude at a store just asked me if tulips were annuals or perrinials. I should probably change out of this pink shirt.

   dear mum and dad I dont know how you did it but thanks for making the sexiest creature alive!!

   my drinking team has a football problem

   I love reading ppls status "off to the gym" when you know damn well they are only going to use the massage chair

   I'm not a millionaire. I thought I would be by the time I was thirty, but I wasn't even close. Then I thought maybe by forty, but by forty I had less money than I did when I was thirty.

   really doesn't get the underwear bomber...i mean even if the bomb works there are gonna be 72 very disappointed virgins

   ..doesn't go looking for trouble. She knows exactly where to find it!

   if we are ever attacked by Amazon women who just want to use men to mate with, I would sacrifice myself for you! It's just the kind of guy I am, no thanks neccesary.

   If you wash your jeans after wearing them only once, you're doing it wrong.