Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I'm not a millionaire. I thought I would be by the time I was thirty, but I wasn't even close. Then I thought maybe by forty, but by forty I had less money than I did when I was thirty.

   really doesn't get the underwear bomber...i mean even if the bomb works there are gonna be 72 very disappointed virgins

   ..doesn't go looking for trouble. She knows exactly where to find it!

   if we are ever attacked by Amazon women who just want to use men to mate with, I would sacrifice myself for you! It's just the kind of guy I am, no thanks neccesary.

   When I say I drive like lightning,it's not because I drive fast. It's because I hit a lot of trees.

   We were all born nudist. I'm thinking of returning to my roots.

   worried that my latest Salvation Army donatin will have tons of women homeless women looking like sluts from the 90's...

   lame...With that mentality come here I'll give you screwed 'til you're the strongest woman ever!

   This other dude at a store just asked me if tulips were annuals or perrinials. I should probably change out of this pink shirt.

   dear mum and dad I dont know how you did it but thanks for making the sexiest creature alive!!

   my drinking team has a football problem

   If quitters never win, and winners never quit, what fool came up with, "Quit while you're ahead"?

   hey kids.. go back to MYSPACE!!! FB was created for and is for adults ya know...

   I don't wanna move in for a month. I just wanna buy you a beer.

   Dog for sale: eats anything and is fond of children

   A recent study found the average golfer walks about 900 miles a year. Another study found golfers drink, on average, 22 gallons of alcohol a year. That means, on average, golfers get about 41 miles to the gallon. Kind of makes you proud.

   The smoke smell you might have been smelling today was from Minnesota Viking fans burning their Brett Farve jerseys.

   I actually hate grocery clerks who ask "paper or plastic." It's like they know I f*ck ugly women.

   My body is not a temple…it's a distillery with legs.

   I find it annoying when someone posts "Got the most exciting news today!" Then when asked what, it turns out to me something lame like "My cat is pregnant again."