Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Yesterday my wife caught me checking out our hot new neighbor and all she had to say to me was, “It doesn't matter where you get your appetite, as long as you eat at home".

   I'm so terrible at Chess. The only way I'll ever get to say "Checkmate" is if I eat at a restaurant in Australia.

   "Have fun" is just a nicer phrase for "have a horrible time without me."

   When advertising your business on the side of your car it’s a good idea not to drive like a complete as&hole

   Not sure how coffee got its own table in the living room, but kudos.

   I hope I live to see the day kindness goes viral.

   I wanna be rich enough to have 11 little people who run out of my closet every morning dressed as a nascar pit crew to make my bed really fast.

   Yup, My girlfriend went out for drinks with the girls from her work... Can't wait for her to get back and tell me EVERYTHING that's wrong with me.

   I just read that Lindsay Lohan is headed for rehab. It's like 2008 all over again. Or 2009. Or 2010. Or 2011. Or 2012

   The only thing creepier than seeing a guy in a Speedo is seeing a guy in a Speedo staring back at you

   Relax. If the Mayans were good at predicting the future, there would still be Mayans.

   I refuse to lower my standards to accommodate those who refuse to raise theirs.

   Nothing says 'I dont take you seriously' like your dog wagging his tail when you are yelling at him.

   Claustrophobia is the fear of closed spaces. For example: I'm going to the liquor store and I'm afraid it may be closed.

   I'm sorry but if someone busted out of my birthday cake, they better have another cake in their hands because I really like cake.

   There needs to be an app that deletes my memberships right before my free trials run out.

   when did the country's concern for money go from Wall Street to Sesame Street?

   I mistook the Facebook status box for Google search, and now I don't have to go to family functions any more.

   'Put that down you fat piece of sh*t' - the title of the dieting book I'm writing.

   My homework brings all the Asians to the yard, and they're like "It wasn't that hard"