Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Dear Giselle, you made your point that the wide receivers couldn't catch the ball. Please keep in mind that not everyone can catch a set of balls while lying on their back.

   Why do people freak out about dolphins getting caugh in tuna nets? What about the tuna?

   Guys, be sensitive. Fat people have feelings too. Usually hunger, shortness of breath, insecurity and itchiness in unreachable places

   Earlier my friend said to me. "What's dizzle my nizzle?" So I brizzled his jizzle and now he's in the hospizzle.

   Guys; You know you need to lose weight when your girlfriend is always wanting to suck on your titties.

   Fun word of the day... Tittysprinkles!!!

   50 Shades of Grey... the most sold erotic novel written by an ugly woman

   Like-A-Good-Neighbor-Charles-Ramsey-Is-There... with SALSA MUSIC!!! ...and RIBS!!!!

   Get me an alligator sandwich, and make it snappy!

   How long do I have to stand in front of the microwave for to become a member of X-Men?

   Your vag is like an elevator. Everyones gone up in it.

   Anyone knows when is Facebook sending us the W-2 form

   Lately, more airplane passengers have been killed by intentional acts of pilots than by terrorists...seems to me that the TSA is scrutinizing the wrong people.

   I just finished my taxes...As much as I am going to have to pay...The least Obama could do is send me a photo of the family I am sponsoring!!!!

   can't believe Jesus was born on Christmas and died on Easter, what are the odds? still, he accomplished a lot for a four month year old.

   My girlfriend came in while I was watching the football highlights she said, "Awww, is this the Paralympics?" I said, "No, it's Dallas Cowboys."

   I dig, you dig, we dig, he dig, she dig, they dig... It's not a beautiful poem, but it's very deep.

   Trump DOES NOT HAVE THE ANSWERS, BUT the wall is a good F_ing start.

   Have you ever watched a really funny video, shown it to someone else and you keep saying Just wait, it gets funnier?

   An old guy asks his pharmacist about V*agra. The pharmacist says it works great. The old guy asks him if he can get it over the counter. The pharmacist said yes, if he takes six.