Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception.

   "Good morning...I see the assassins have failed."

   the other night, I caught my girlfriend in bed with another man. I said, "Get off me you two!"

   Some people like to "cuddle," some prefer to "spoon," I rather "spork" ..... think about it, it will come to you.

   decided to go on a long holiday to couldntgiveafuckistan!!!!!!!!!!

   If her teeth don't fit, she must acquit. Nancy Pelosi, 2020 #SuperPoliGrip

   It's Britney Spears birthday. She's 30. That's about 57 in trailer park years.

   I have no respect for people who eat pizza with a fork.

   Those starving without shelter in Africa would be glad to know Americans make houses out of delicious food during Christmas time.

   Dear Giselle, you made your point that the wide receivers couldn't catch the ball. Please keep in mind that not everyone can catch a set of balls while lying on their back.

   Why do people freak out about dolphins getting caugh in tuna nets? What about the tuna?

   Guys, be sensitive. Fat people have feelings too. Usually hunger, shortness of breath, insecurity and itchiness in unreachable places

   Earlier my friend said to me. "What's dizzle my nizzle?" So I brizzled his jizzle and now he's in the hospizzle.

   Guys; You know you need to lose weight when your girlfriend is always wanting to suck on your titties.

   Fun word of the day... Tittysprinkles!!!

   50 Shades of Grey... the most sold erotic novel written by an ugly woman

   Like-A-Good-Neighbor-Charles-Ramsey-Is-There... with SALSA MUSIC!!! ...and RIBS!!!!

   Get me an alligator sandwich, and make it snappy!

   How long do I have to stand in front of the microwave for to become a member of X-Men?

   Your vag is like an elevator. Everyones gone up in it.