Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Donald Trump has 515 companies, four of which have gone bankrupt. Bill & hillary have had 5 and all 5 went bankrupt.

   I know I joke around on facebook with status's about women but deap down I think the greatest thing a man can ever learn, Is how to love a woman and the feeling of being loved in return!

   I bought a car last week. Well, by "bought" I mean "poisoned" and by "car" I mean "my neighbor's dog."

   Mandatory Obamacare...for those that cant afford jobs

   destroyed his periodic table, because he only recognizes the element of supprise

   Explosion at a pie factory in Huddersfield. 3.14159265 dead.

   I've been drunk texting and drunk calling and drunk emailing people all night and I'm not even drunk.

   Columbus was 48 yrs old when he discovered​ America.. I waz 13 yrs old when I discovered​ `Naughty America'

   Google refuses to give churches the same discounts as other non-profits. Apparently they believe in the separation of church and search

   I got a cialis caught in my throat...I've had a stiff neck for 36 hours

   doesn't use no double negatives.

   never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception.

   "Good morning...I see the assassins have failed."

   decided to go on a long holiday to couldntgiveafuckistan!!!!!!!!!!

   the other night, I caught my girlfriend in bed with another man. I said, "Get off me you two!"

   Some people like to "cuddle," some prefer to "spoon," I rather "spork" ..... think about it, it will come to you.

   If her teeth don't fit, she must acquit. Nancy Pelosi, 2020 #SuperPoliGrip

   It's Britney Spears birthday. She's 30. That's about 57 in trailer park years.

   I have no respect for people who eat pizza with a fork.

   Those starving without shelter in Africa would be glad to know Americans make houses out of delicious food during Christmas time.