Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   "GATES PLEDGES $10 BILLION FOR VACCINES." Hope it's to fight viruses in windows.

   When playing "Got your nose," make sure the victim is 1) willing to play, 2) that you're not at a urinal and 3) that it's their nose.

   A man falls in love through his eyes, a woman through her ears.

   I can't hear you over the sound of how Epic I am.

   They couldn't repair my brakes, so they made my horn louder.

   I just heard that Britney Spears and Miley Cyrus are going to sing Country Music together…….. I think their new group should be called the Ditsy Chicks….

   would like to thank the guy who invented air conditioning, but a big F#CK YOU to the electric company for trying to charge to much to turn it on

   Sure,,, Trump may be unhinged now,,,, but maybe he'll calm down once he becomes the most powerful person in the world

   I'm sorry to say, but the swamp is still alive and well. There's no denying that.

   Donald Trump has 515 companies, four of which have gone bankrupt. Bill & hillary have had 5 and all 5 went bankrupt.

   I know I joke around on facebook with status's about women but deap down I think the greatest thing a man can ever learn, Is how to love a woman and the feeling of being loved in return!

   I bought a car last week. Well, by "bought" I mean "poisoned" and by "car" I mean "my neighbor's dog."

   Mandatory Obamacare...for those that cant afford jobs

   destroyed his periodic table, because he only recognizes the element of supprise

   Explosion at a pie factory in Huddersfield. 3.14159265 dead.

   I've been drunk texting and drunk calling and drunk emailing people all night and I'm not even drunk.

   Columbus was 48 yrs old when he discovered​ America.. I waz 13 yrs old when I discovered​ `Naughty America'

   Google refuses to give churches the same discounts as other non-profits. Apparently they believe in the separation of church and search

   I got a cialis caught in my throat...I've had a stiff neck for 36 hours

   doesn't use no double negatives.